As I try to take the right steps towards the goals I’ve set for myself, I suddenly feel the sense of overwhelm and somewhat of a mental paralysis, where I feel like what I want to do is too difficult and or unrealistic. I don’t know at what age I let go of the beliefs that made me think I could achieve anything I set my mind to and instead picked up this belief that I can’t or it’s too hard. I recall being a young girl and feeling like I could conquer the world, that I could be anything and or anyone I wanted to be. I had confidence in myself and my brain, but I guess years of trauma and ongoing mental health obstacles and battles can wear you down. It can make you feel a sense of distrust in your brain, in your experiences and in your way of being in the world.
A lot of my personal mental health struggles have been related to ongoing trauma, there have been experiences of depression that I’ve overcome gradually – over a few years of hard work and also anxiety which I’m learning to manage a lot better now. Looking at me, most people wouldn’t think that I have any mental health obstacles and I can understand that. To a degree I mask it well but I also put up a hard fight to achieve the equilibrium of my mind, body and soul so that I don’t have to be controlled by my mental health and can present myself to life with as much peace and calm as possible.
Some days, I win that fight with ease, other days it’s a struggle to get through it all but I have made a promise to myself when I was younger and that promise was that I will never stop trying. I remember listening to Elizabeth Gilbert in London talk about how her daily job is to spend hours taking care of her mental health. Initially I felt a bit sorry for her as I felt like she must have a lot to manage, then I realised that taking the time to love and care for yourself deeply on a daily basis enables you to serve your purpose with much greater energy and also to become the healthier version of yourself that you know you can be.
Since having to come back to Australia last year and being faced with multiple challenges as a result of the pandemic, I knew that the only way that I could survive was by making sure I adopted Liz’s approach to self-care. That is, I needed to have a plan and a daily commitment to myself, so that I can nurture myself lovingly through what would be the most difficult time. Looking back, I can see how that plan helped me get through some really hard times, even though in the moment I felt like I wasn’t able to do very well. But this is the power of hindsight, it allows you to see yourself with less judgement and more observation. Yes there were struggles, yes there were dips, but there were also triumphs and a lot of growth.
I still have to make the time to take care of myself daily, but I don’t see it as a burden and or a cure as much as I do as a dedication to myself and my well-being. I’ve had to shift my perspective on a lot of beliefs in order to enable myself to care and love for myself without guilt, shame and or resentment. Every day there is a challenge to overcome, whether it be external or internal to you, there is always something that can hold up the mirror and make you examine how you are experiencing your life. I am becoming more and more accepting of these challenges so that I don’t have to feel like I need to fight them anymore. Instead, I want to welcome them and know that no matter how complex and or difficult they may be, I will be able to persevere through it and come out the other side with an open heart and wisdom that will help me work towards the peaceful space I would like to arrive at.
Don’t give up on your battles or yourself; no matter how hard it gets, get the help that you need and so you can attain the strength required to keep on going. We all have struggles, pain, loss, grief, shame, guilt and a range of other emotions that can feel heavy, dark and unfair, but we don’t have to go through these experiences alone. You’re not alone.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 