This weekend, as I get closer to my time of the month I can see already that my hormones are driving my emotions. I start crying randomly and feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. I’ve not judged these emotions, but recognise that they have a hidden source from some unmet emotion that has been bottled up in me since god knows when. So when they come to the surface and my thoughts start to attach themselves to it with narratives that are trying to make sense of them, I have to be cautious that I don’t let these narratives run too wild.
When you’re feeling sad it’s not unusual to want to know why you are sad. Often we are looking for ways to not feel certain emotions and in a desperate attempt to make sense of the sadness, I start thinking that it is rooted in the uncertainty around my relationship. So, the only resolution is to call it quits and close that chapter, or so my ego tries to convince me as such. But the ego plays tricks on you, this is a great example of that because it’s not really what I want to do. It has become a pattern of thinking over the past few months, when I find myself feeling sad, thankfully I’m becoming a little bit wiser to it.
So, this weekend when the tears came out I didn’t judge them, I didn’t wish they would go away, I allowed them to come and go like the visitors that they are. I didn’t run with the narrative of the breakup and or the sense of ‘where to from here’ that can dominate my thoughts, instead I observed my thoughts and narratives and let them go. None of this is easy to do, but it becomes easier little by little as you practice creating space between your thoughts and emotions.
Once that narrative was let go of, I found more unmet emotions arising and this time the narratives attached to them were referring back to wounds that my inner child is carrying in her little heart. All of this was triggered by a message from a good friend of mine that made me feel rejected and unloved. This was not her intention and to be fair to her she has not done anything wrong. This simply created the dynamic that my inner child could cling onto in order to grab my attention.
Immediately I felt so alone and unloved, recalling all the times that I’ve not felt like I have friends that want to spend time with me and that I am always an after thought. A lot of this is because of my childhood experiences from school and the difficulty I had making friends because of the way I looked. Being a minority and being different, a lot of kids were unkind to me in primary school and it took me longer than usual to make friends. All of these experiences have created a sense of rejection in my inner child that requires a lot of love and healing. Of course, when she’s triggered it can be hard to silence her and to be honest, it’s not right to suppress her any longer. So, I allowed her to talk it out as I was relaying it to my partner and allowed her to be in the driver’s seat talking about how she feels without judging her.
The emotions were raw and bless her little heart, she just wants to be chosen, she wants to be loved and she wants to be seen as fun and cool. My heart breaks for this little girl who felt so unseen, so unheard, so unwanted and who is still in there waiting for me to notice her. Though I am beginning to see her more and more, I really hope that I don’t miss the subtle cues that she gives me when she is demanding my attention, my love.
So this Sunday, as I prepare for the week ahead which will no doubt be full of more roller coaster rides of emotions, I pray that I am able to recognise the emotions as data and not as directors.
I pray that I am able to honour them with love and compassion and not judge or shame them away.
I pray that I will love my inner child and that she doesn’t have to feel unsafe and or unloved.
I pray that I can be cool and calm in the face of work events which I anticipate will test my ego.
When faced with stakeholders who are unkind and or intimidating, I pray that I can ask the question ‘what happened to them’ as opposed to ‘what is wrong with them’; so that I can be compassionate and not judgemental.
I pray that I can be patient, understanding and open.
I pray that good will come my way and that I can let go of anything that doesn’t feel good.
I pray that I can be present in the moments that are my life and to practice gratitude for all blessings, small and large.
I pray for love.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 