Breaking mental habits is really hard. For me, it’s the constant challenge of rewiring my anxious and depressive mind and training it to become comfortable and safe with a calm and happy mind. This might sound odd because one would assume that happiness and calmness are natural states that once attained we would try to retain them. But for a brain that has been predominantly shaped and developed by trauma and has learned to live in a depressive and anxious state, happiness and calmness are frightening states to be in so when they show up, I find ways to shut them down. Unconsciously and to my frustration, but I’ve come to recognise that this is because they create an environment that is unfamiliar for my brain and she’s just doing her job by keeping me safe within the comfort-zone of her habitual reactions, thoughts and operating rhythm.
Our brains are powerful machines, but they need our active and conscious help in order to operate in a healthy way in a world that is full of stressful stimuli. On the surface, my parents provided me with a beautiful childhood, but they also didn’t have the understanding, knowledge and tools needed to manage my mental and emotional development in the conditions and types of environments that we were living in. As a result there is a big challenge for me as an adult to re-learn and rewire my brain so that it knows how to operate in this world in the way that is expansive and not limiting. Our brains are capable of rewiring themselves if we work hard at it. Similar to every other part of our body, our brains respond and grow through ‘training’ and practice. I have embarked on this journey for a decade now and whilst training on your own does get some outcomes, getting the help and resources you need definitely enables more progress and deeper healing.
I’ve made use of multiple different avenues to help as I believe in holistic care. So I am not only getting help from a psychologist, but I’ve also incorporated lifestyle changes that would create the foundations for a healthier, happier and calmer brain. As a result, I can see that I’ve made progress on this journey but I also recognise that there is still a long way to go.
Today was a good example of how I can still fall into old habits, after receiving an unexpected beautiful birthday gift immediately reacted with an abundance of joy and gratitude. But within 15 minutes or so, I noticed my thoughts declining into subtle depressive narratives. So, I decided to practice some yoga and create the space for my body to talk to me if it wants to. There were a couple of moments I felt like there may be some repressed emotions but nothing really came to the surface. I noticed that my thoughts were getting more and more depressive so I decided to practice meditation as well and observe them a little more closely. I put on a meditation practice that was exploring repressed emotions and so as part of the practice I was searching hard to find the feelings of grief, pain, sadness, loss etc. that would make me feel depressed. When I couldn’t find these emotions, I immediately thought I must be severely depressed because I can’t even feel anything.
Here is where the practice helped create awareness, as when that thought came up I suddenly thought ‘hang on, that doesn’t feel true’. So then, I asked myself simple and yet curious questions: in this moment, is there anything that you’re upset about? To which the answer was: no. Then the next question: in this moment, is there anything that you’re happy about? To which the answer was: heck yes, my beautiful surprise birthday gift!
It dawned on me in that moment that I couldn’t recognise happiness because I was repressing it. I took a couple of deep breaths with a focus on kindness and I decided to let go of the narratives and thoughts that were trying to make me depressed and instead shifted my energy and focus to the wonderful blessings that are here right now that I can be enjoying instead. And with that practice, I was able to let go of the habitual thought patterns that make me fall into my comfort zone of depression and instead use this as an opportunity to rewire my brain into embracing happiness and not being afraid of it.
This got me thinking more broadly about everything else in my life and so I started posing more questions to myself:
Are things going the way that I want them to? No.
But are things ok? Yes.
So then what’s the problem? My expectations, desires and wants aren’t being met.
Are there any expectations, desires and wants that are being met? Yes.
So then what’s the problem? I can’t have things perfectly, in the way that I want them right now.
Is that a realistic expectation of life? No.
Why? Because I don’t have control over every single thing in life and the world.
Boom, that is what I needed to be reminded of, and with that the opportunity to reframe the situation was granted to me and I was able to practice rewiring my brain.
Right now in this moment, things are beautiful. So in this moment I will BE.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 