Deep breath in, deep breath out.
There is a subtle uneasiness deep down, I’m not really sure why but I can sense the discomfort deep in my chest.
I wonder if it’s a level of anxiety that I’m feeling which could either be manufactured by the sugar and caffeine consumption I’ve had this morning or, if it genuine anxiety that hasn’t been noticed because I’ve been too busy to stop and feel what is going on in my body. Whether it is manufactured and or organic, the anxiety is there and it’s trying to get my attention.
So, I’m going to focus on what it is trying to show me. There is a tone of disappointment attached to it, like as though I expect more of myself and I’ve not been able to deliver on that expectation. I suspect some of that is in relation to my mental health and the inability to be free of all trauma, anxiety and depression and the rest of it is related to the uncertainty in my life that is disabling me from making decisions that will continue to give me traction as part of this stage in my life.
Let’s unpack these because there-in lies the source of the discomfort that is expanding in my chest.
The expectation for my mental health to be any different to what it is now is an unrealistic and incredibly unkind expectation. Mainly because my mental health has been improving through all the hard work I’ve put in over the past year and yet I still can’t recognise the achievement. It’s easy to forget all the hard work you’ve done and the progress you’ve made if you aren’t satisfied with where you’re at. But that’s because you’re only focusing on the destination and not the full journey itself.
I am partly exhausted of the effort that is required to tackle the mental health challenges and also bored with the healing process. I think these two things in combination are creating the dissatisfaction with the progress that has been made so far. I have two options 1) I can quit and just give up and let all the progression turn into regression or 2) I can recognise that what has worked in getting me this far is probably no longer going to be effective to take me beyond this point and therefore, I need to find new ways in which I can add some ‘excitement’ into the healing process for myself.
Over the past year I’ve been taking things slowly and I’ve been doing a lot of reflection and healing on my own. I’m itching for other types of healing tools and ways of getting myself through some of the blockages that I have. I recognise three different ways in which I think will help me heal further 1) I would like to incorporate more interactive healing through tapping into the power of social connection, being an extravert I get energised by my friendships and others, so I need to get more deliberate about how I weave this back into my life 2) I need to find a way to enable creative healing to take place, whilst writing is a form of creative outlet for me, it’s not proving to be sufficient enough in getting my creative juices going, so I would like to cultivate more creativity in my life and 3) I need to further incorporate nature into my healing process, my body is craving for mother earth’s touch and it’s itching to connect with the source of life that is all around us, so I need to find ways that I can enrich my life through nature.
It’s so important to be agile in your approach to managing your mental health and your overall well-being, so that you can identify new and diverse ways of supporting yourself and expanding on your self-care regiment. We’re constantly growing and changing as a person, therefore what was fit for purpose in the past may not be what is needed to get you through the next evolution of yourself.
The second topic to unpack is in relation to the uncertainty that is in my life, particularly around my relationship. I view the relationship as the key anchor point for making decisions about my life in general. This is mainly drawn out of the fear that I don’t want to lose my relationship with my partner and therefore, the relationship has become the ‘sun’ in my life and all other aspects have become the planets that are rotating around it. This type of thinking is motivated from fear and not from love. I feel disabled in various other aspects of my life including my career, finances, education and living situation. I’m ready for traction on these fronts and yet I’m holding myself back deliberately because I have a black and white view on how things ‘should’ be. That is, I’m looking at the problem from one angle and expecting my partner to fix the situation, which is unfair as he is in an even more difficult situation in his own life. I have to recognise that controlling the situation won’t stop painful outcomes from happening. So, in reality the relationship is not what is inhibiting me from making traction on the various aspects of my life, instead my fear of making traction and then recognising that the relationship can’t continue on due to divergent paths for my partner and I is really what is preventing me from making decisions and taking the action I am craving in order to make progress in my life.
I have this belief that if I don’t make progress in all other aspects in my life, then I can move back to the UK more easily and therefore, be with my partner and there we have it happy ever after. But that is not reality, that is a fear based emotional response to a situation that is complex for us both. Even writing about it is making me feel rather uneasy, but this is a sign that I’m avoiding the really heavy emotions that can come with the potential grief of losing the relationship.
But I also need to recognise that I am making a huge assumption here, because I’m assuming that taking the actions I want in other aspects of my life means that the relationship will definitely not last. Although my fearful brain is indicating that this is the only shape the future can take, I actually don’t have a crystal ball to know whether or not one decision will prevent the other from happening or not. There is no way that I can predict the future that is fact. I don’t have all the data points that I require to make a decision about the relationship right now, that is also fact. I am putting the pressure on myself and viewing the situation as black and white, which is also fact.
Therefore, a lot of the anxiety I am feeling about the situation is really handmade by me. I need to stop overwhelming myself and stop thinking way into the future. All I need to do is to take one step at a time in each aspect of my life and then trust that what is meant for me will not pass me by. Planning for the future is not the same as controlling the future, like all projects in business you can plan as much as you want but until you’re executing the plan there is no way of predicting what risks, obstacles and challenges will come your way. This is also true with opportunities, wins and achievements. So, breath in and breath out.
I wanted to unpack my own uneasy feeling here so that hopefully readers can be inspired to pay more attention to their own emotions and invest the in delayering it for themselves. Whatever you’re going through in your own personal life, you can learn more about what your own motivations, fears and obstacles are if you take the time reflect and pay attention to your thoughts and behaviours. Recognising the emotions and feelings deep within us is an important way of clearing out the thoughts and beliefs that are causing us discomfort and pain. We don’t have to hide from them, they’re manufactured by us based on our programming. So, if we can find the courage to face our emotions and feelings, we can take the input they’re providing us and make a decision about what to do with them next.
Be kind and compassionate towards yourself.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 