Waves..

When you don’t know how to manage and release your emotions in a healthy way, you can create blockages in your body that can lead to some unhelpful narratives and beliefs that can continue to plague you even years and decades after you’ve gone through a particular experience.

I have come to notice over the past few years that I’ve bottled up a lot of my emotions and responses to many micro and macro events in my life. In addition to bottling it up, I also learned really quickly that I need to adjust my way of feeling in the world because it was not understood and or accepted by most people around me. Having the sensitive body that I do, I was too much for a lot of people who experienced the world differently to me. In hindsight I can see that a lot of the issues I’m dealing with today is the result of the unintended consequences of my upbringing combined with the environmental factors that were very big and heavy for an adult, let alone a child.

Growing up my family did the best that they knew how, despite feeling loved I recognise now that so many of my intangible needs were not met. This is not because I had neglectful parents, rather the opposite! This is because they applied their way of loving me, comforting me, enabling me and or nurturing me instead of learning about what my personal needs were. I think that all parents do this, because it’s really difficult not to do this if you don’t understand the human psychology that is involved. It’s so easy to think that if we help others the way that we need help, then we are enabling them. But I’ve come to learn and understand that we each have our own unique way of being in the world and so it’s really important to understand what works for us and our journey.

I’ve recognise and accept that I haven’t had a lot of needs met in a way that was required for me, neither by family, nor by other adults and or relationships in my life. Everyone loved me and everyone cared for me, in their own way but this didn’t necessarily align with the way that met my needs so, the unintentional consequences that have rippled throughout my life as a result of not knowing how to cope with being me in the world has now resulted in a lot of internal battles that create unnecessary challenges and obstacles.

Like every other adult, I have a set of programming that creates narratives and beliefs in my mind that influence and impact my experience of life. Often though, these are not aligned with my natural self and that’s where the conflict arises. I can only describe them as waves that I need to learn how to surf through without feeling like I’m drowning and gasping for air. It’s really difficult, sometimes I’m able to embrace the waves and get through the surf whilst other times I’m so exhausted that it feels easier to just let the waves take me where they want and do with me what they may.

There is a fine balance between not resisting the waves and at the same time not surrendering to them either. Because they don’t always have your best interest at heart, they’re just going towards the shore and following the rhythm that suits them. Sometimes the waves can get rather large and that’s where the tsunami can come in. The tsunami always feels like it will take you under, but after surviving a few life events that are like tsunamis, I now have the wisdom to recognise that they’re not there to kill you, they’re there to shift you because you didn’t know how to respond to the original unexpressed energy that is brewing deep within you.

There are a lot of things that I haven’t learned about surfing my own unique set of waves and even worse about myself as a person going through these experiences. This is why I feel like I’m constantly reacting to the waves instead of flowing with them in the way that gives me the benefit of the ride. These waves are metaphors for my fears, insecurities, anxiety, depression and stress. They have different strengths and they can be heightened and or softened based on environmental factors in my life, very much like the weather’s role in the formation of waves in nature. I can’t control the environmental factors, but I can learn how to ride the tides for my own unique waves with a lot more confidence and courage.

Additionally, I can ensure that I don’t create any other tsunami’s as a result of storing energy within me. There is a lot of blockages in my body, I can feel the urge for wanting to let go of the heaviness that comes with carrying out these blockages. But it can be hard to identify where they are and what they are, because they’ve been accumulated over through such a long period of time and also through a period of my life where I was still growing and developing. I have to find a safe way to release these blockages, I have to find a way to get to the calm waters where I can rest and embrace life. I have to find enough space and energy to breath and be here, on my surfboard in the middle of the vast ocean which is my mind and my life, without feeling the need to have to survive.

Being the critical person that I am, it’s important that I recognise the progress that I have made over the years in getting back on the surf-board faster and more confidently. If I reflect back on the past 18 months, there have been a couple of tsunami’s and a lot of big waves, but I’ve managed to get through them in the best way that I knew how and so I can see that I’m learning and growing as part of my own Soul Journey. I know sunnier days are ahead and I know there will be other storms from time to time, so what I need to do is trust myself and celebrate my growth, so that I can have the confidence to stay on the surfboard and ride the waves with a sense of strength and empowerment, instead a sense of dread and exhaustion.

The waves may never stop, but the ride can become sweeter and easier.

So with a deep breath, I get back up and ride it through.

Love Always,

M