We store memories deep within our bodies, whenever they get triggered we relive them all over again. In this last week I’ve been triggered twice by events that have happened at work and as part of my coaching studies that have given rise to feelings of rejection from my childhood. When you’ve been bullied most of your school life and have spent a life time trying to fit in, proving you belong and that you’re valuable and worthy enough of others love and affection, the feeling of rejection becomes too familiar and one that you try to avoid at all cost.
I’m not alone in this experience, no one likes feeling rejected. But I’m tired of having to live with this pain body and having it present in my life as it doesn’t serve me in any positive way. It only takes up a lot of time when I start obsessing over the associated thoughts and experiences attached to it. Whenever it gets triggered I go into this downward spiral of blaming and shaming myself like as though I’m the cause and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. There is a big guilt trip that follows and that turns into a heavy bag of rocks that are weighing me down and making me sink.
I don’t want to carry this guilt, shame and pain with me into the future. As an adult I now have the wisdom, the knowledge, the experience and the maturity to be able to step out of a situation and reflect on it objectively and from different perspectives. This often enables me to rationally observe and identify the causes in which have resulted in a certain dynamic. You would think that is enough to be able to let it go? The simple answer is no.
The challenge that I have is that the little me who experienced these memories has never learned to let them go. So she’s been carrying them all this time and when the opportunity comes up she dominates my thinking and takes over the narratives that arise. So, how do I reconcile my adult rationalisation with my child self? The child is not interested in logic nor will she understand it. She’s interested in the pain going away and being loved and protected. This is where the self-love and compassion come back in again, the only way that she will learn healthy ways of releasing these feelings and limiting beliefs is if she knows that she can let go of them and survive.
So many habits need to break, these experiences have taught her to find ways to please people so they would accept her and like her, though she felt like she was not conforming to social norms, she has lost her authentic way of being in the world, with influences around how to dress, how to talk, how to act, what to say, what to do etc. It’s hard to retain your true colours when you’re surrounded by individuals who are colour blind to your hue.
When I realised they are colour blind to me, I started finding ways to show up in their shade and colour. To belong in the settings I was in. This was particularly true in Australia and Iran, but the only time that I got to be my own distinct colour was when I moved to the UK. It was there that you could be any unique shade that you wanted because no two people were the same shade. It’s important to get back the unique elements of yourself that make you you, it’s important to remain authentic to who you were born to be and not who the world has told you to become.
Going back to the little girl who is carrying all the pain from the humiliation, rejection and loneliness, I need to figure out a way to help her release these feelings and know that no matter what she is loved now. I need to help her learn that in the adult world, we are all responsible only for our own actions and reactions and that we can’t take ownership and responsibility of other people’s reactions and feelings. I need her to step back into the gates of our garden, where we are in control of what is related to us, instead of letting her wander off into other people’s gardens trying to water their plants and clean up their grounds.
When you get triggered, it can be hard to remember that you are not in the same space that you once were. You will relive the experiences over and over again until you recognise that you do have a choice in how you process the pain. That you don’t need to resist it, judge it and or force it away, rather you need to let it come up and get out so that you can let it go. All whilst loving it and honouring despite how dark, heavy and painful it is.
It’s going to be really hard to convince the little girl that she is ok, that people aren’t rejecting her and that she’s not the cause behind everyone’s upset. She’s not responsible for other peoples feelings because she has no control over it. She needs learn that her intentions and way of being in the world is the only thing she has control over and therefore the ability to influence and change.
So when you feel hurt, let it hurt then let it go. Make sure you let it go in all ways, thought, body and soul.
Truly, let it go.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 