I’ve been feeling restless for the past few days, some of it is due to time of the month, some of it due the extended period of lockdown and isolation, some of it is due to the uncertainty all around that I’m juggling at the moment. But I feel as though a lot of it is due to me not filling my own cup and therefore giving more than I have to offer. I particularly notice it within the work place, as I’m not feeling the energy and engagement that one’s work should ignite.
This is definitely the early signs of burn out and one that I need to address very quickly. So what can I do? I have the power and the control to make a choice about where I decide to work. If I don’t want to remain where I am then I have the power and control of applying for jobs elsewhere. Our day to day experiences are driven by our day to day choices. If I’m staying in the current organisation then I also have to bring my enthusiasm and optimism to the table for my own sake. I’m not one to complain and whinge, one to create a toxic environment where neither myself nor others can flourish. So I need to be mindful of my own thoughts and behaviours in order to ensure that I’m creating the environment that energises me. I can only control my own thoughts, behaviours and experiences and I need to be clear on what the boundaries around all of that looks like. For my own self-care and sanity, I need to start taking care of myself and ensuring that I’m not prioritising the needs of strangers at work over my own.
What’s driving my dedication to work? Some of it is being stuck in lockdown with nothing else to do, some of it is a force of habit and symptoms of being a perfectionist, some of it is to prove a point around my capabilities and doing a good job. But a lot of it is the underlying, unconscious desire to please others and control their perception of me as someone capable, intelligent and producer of high quality work. Pleasing other peoples demands and needs is taking over my own self-perception. I’m starting to forget who I am and waiting for others to remind me of it. But the reality is that I can’t control what others think and feel about me. What I need to focus on is how I view myself and my own self-perception, believing and trusting that I’m capable and enough.
I need to start owning my own strengths, my own abilities and my own way of being in the world. I need to start shifting the focus away from the measures that others apply to the measures that I have internally. I’m not interested in being perceived as the best at what I do if it will cost me joy, freedom and health in other aspects of my life. I want to enjoy what I do and be effortlessly good at it because I’m utilising my natural gifts and talents. That doesn’t mean I can’t grow and continue to develop, it just means that I don’t have to feel like I’m swimming against the tide rather I can start swimming alongside the current.
Perhaps that’s the issue at hand, I’m not in a profession that is aligned to my values nor my skillsets. I’ve grown a lot from it over the past 10 years, but I also have learned that it doesn’t fulfil me and that I need something different. I’ve known this for a very long time and I have tried my best to ignore it because there are definitely advantages to the career that I’ve established and it does feed the ego at times. But it’s also going around and around in circles as I keep coming back to this place of dissatisfaction. This restlessness is somewhat driven by the underlying needs that haven’t been met for around a decade. The deep desire to know that I need to make changes in order to flourish my heart and soul, as well as my mind.
For me, the decision feels a lot more clear and now I recognise that I need to come up with a plan that will help me transition from where I am today to where I want to go. If I can focus on that plan then I know where to draw my boundaries, how much to give, where to give, to who I need to give and what to do to keep filling my own cup.
Listen to your body when it’s talking to you, it’s trying to give you data so you that you can make decisions that will bring you more joy, peace and happiness. Be aware of it and honour what comes up because it will always tell you the truth and it will always lead you down a path that will be best for you.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 