Routine…

I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m disappointed. I’m furious. I’m exhausted.

All of these are the raw feelings I’m experiencing right now, but they’re not who I am. So, I need rephrase:

I am feeling angry, I am experiencing frustration. I am sitting in disappointment. I am managing fury and I am feeling exhausted. That is a more accurate description of my current feelings.

Where is all this coming from? The critical mind is blasting out the tunes of frustration because I haven’t followed through with my daily self-care routine, nor have I done the activities and chores that I had planned to complete over the weekend. I’ve not gone for a walk, I’ve not studied, I’ve done my taxes nor paid my bills, I’ve not done yoga, exercise or meditation. Instead, I journaled, finished my ‘colour-in’ drawing, day dreamed, listened to affirmations, made lunch, learned more about study pathways, spoke to my family, cleaned up my studio, finally did the Gallups’ strengths test, watched some Seinfield episodes and now I am blogging.

Overall seems like I’ve done a bit today, so where is the frustration coming from? It’s sourced from the expectations that I’ve set on myself and the judgements that I’m casting. I’m judging myself with critical eyes and punishing myself for not being ‘disciplined’. I need to give myself permission to step out of this routine that I’ve developed so that I can create space for enjoying things instead.

It’s ironic, because I’ve not been one for routines until last year, where I needed one to help me manage my mental health. The routine was incredibly helpful last year, but it hasn’t been modified since then and so it has turned into an opportunity for me feel a sense of control, therefore, giving me a false sense of safety and security in the midst of the chaos and uncertainty that I am experiencing in my life.

When I lose that control, my critical mind comes into action and tries to punish me back into adhering with the routine. But these narratives and judgements are unkind and unhelpful. I don’t want to be unkind to myself, I don’t want to feel guilty for doing the things that I enjoy over things that I’ve pre-scheduled. There needs to be a balance between self-care through routine and self-love through observation.

I’m going to aim to strike that balance and let go of the discomfort within me. Be kind to yourself and let go of the judgements that are making your life unpleasant. You are in control of how you experience life, so let it bring you joy.

Love Always,

M