I want to do too many things and all at once. Then I feel crippled by the idea of wanting it all and yet doubting if I do know anything at all. The paradox of the inner thoughts is a debilitating, feeling both clear and unclear, certain and uncertain, confident and insecure, hopeful and pessimistic, motivated and stuck, energised and exhausted etc. It’s never ending and it’s crippling me! I don’t know if I should attribute it to burn out, the depression and the stress, being in isolation and lockdown for 4 months, being in a job that drains me, being separated from my partner, doing major healing work, processing the threats to my families health or the many other things that are ‘stressors’ in my life at the moment.
Perhaps it’s the result of me being unkind to myself. The desire to be perfect when I so obviously cannot be and have limited control over how much I can do too. This desire to be all things at once is not going to serve me, if anything it results in biting off more than I can chew. Often a great coping mechanism for avoiding the discomfort that comes with being in this unsettling place, because I’m too busy to notice.
Perhaps instead of dissecting it all and attempting to understand myself deeply, what I need to do at this point is just to take action. Even if that action is small and doesn’t appear significant, it can help take all this energy from within and let it release and or evolve. Instead of distracting myself with TV shows, phone conversations, chores and or introspection, I’m going to take a small action towards my ‘goals’.
Right now I feel resistance and procrastination, there is a deep desire to get up and distract myself from it all. I sense that I am trying to avoid feeling happy and energised, because at some deep level I’m looking forward to the things that I need to do. As uncomfortable as it is, I will take that first step and I will see if my body becomes more relaxed as a result.
I don’t anticipate that the discomfort will vanish and that the feelings will become redundant, but I do anticipate that I will learn more about what I need and how I can better attune and align myself to my feelings and sensations.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 