Acceptance can be a hard pill to swallow. My partner and I have been separated because of covid-19 for 20 months now and today is our 3 year anniversary. We’ve now spent more time apart than we have together. Some days it feels impossible and today is one of those days. We’ve had glimmers of hope over the past week, where for brief moments we thought we would be seeing each other soon. But every time we took one step forward we had to take 3 steps back. It feels cruel and unkind but then again everything happens for a reason, I have to believe that there is a greater good behind the unfair outcomes that we’ve faced.
What’s the alternative? Falling into the spiral of the pain, the sadness and the resentment that comes with it all? To what end? To show how much I’m suffering? Boohoo me? And then what? What good will come from that self inflicted torture? I’ve tried that approach in the past and have gained the wisdom that it doesn’t do me any good. It’s a very strong pull and there it comes up in other self-sabotaging ways such as low energy and or shutting off from doing anything else. But, I want to set myself into motion, I want to move forward against the discomfort of it all and the only way to do so is through acceptance. If I were to accept that I cannot control what is set out for me and that the only power I have is the ability to ground myself in the present moment, then I can be free to flow through the pain and into a future that is free.
When you accept what is in front of you, you are essentially letting go of all the expectations, stories, claims and attachments that the ego requires to control your every essence. In letting go you can find so much space and peace, but of course letting go feels like you are losing apart of yourself that you may want to cling onto instead. I want to see my partner, I miss him incredibly and I just want to know where this road is going. I’m exhausted by the uncertainty that has been created for us and there are a lot of additional barriers that have been formed as a result of the unknown. Are we meant to be or not meant to be? What future awaits us? Is it the one where I’ve imagined us growing old together or is the one where I’ve had to rediscover myself because it’s another loss that I have to grieve?
Accepting that I cannot know the answer today and or in this moment will release the pressure and the sadness that is resulting in my jaw locking up and or my shoulders tensing. There is no way of knowing what the future holds and that is fact. You can do all that you think you can, but the reality is that none of it is in your control. I am choosing to observe the energy and the discomfort that rises within me. The anger, the disappointment and the helplessness. The exhaustion, the struggle the desire to control and force it all to happen my way. But once I’ve observed all these, I need to make sure I let it go. This energy needs to be released from my body and replaced by the energy of love, acceptance and trust that all things work out in the end.
Which reminds me of one of my favourite quotes, “everything will be ok in the end, and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end” – John Lennon. Wise words, ones which give you the will to move into the future with optimism.
This is the story right now, this is where we are at. I don’t know what the intent of all of this is but I have to trust and practice that in the end it will work out for the both of us. Whether together or apart, the universe is rigged in our favour – even when it feels like it is trying to rob us of all things beautiful. It’s a matter of perspective and a matter of time revealing all to us.
I breath in the knowing and the wisdom that I have to accept what is and breath out the desire and need to control what comes next.
Time will tell.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 