What are your failures? I was reflecting on this last week and realised that I can’t think of anything. Then I thought, that can’t be right! So the reflection went further and two things came to the surface:
- That I have been so busy making sure that I do things perfectly that I haven’t allowed myself to fail
- That any failures I’ve had I’ve not labelled as such in my memory as I’ve already learned and grown from it
I want to unpack these, because the first is a reflection of my insecurities and the second is a reflection of my strengths. Sitting here 10 years into my career I’m not proud nor happy about the fact that I’ve been so consumed with perfectionism that I’ve done everything I possibly could to not fail. This includes investing unreasonable amount of hours, energy and mind-space into doing work. The level of physical, mental and emotional stress that I’ve put myself through because I’ve had to do things perfectly has resulted in a journey that has ultimately constrained me and limited my level of learning.
As a young professional I thought that I had to ensure that I don’t have big blemishes on my resume and or that I don’t put myself in a situation where I make mistakes that are defined as failures. This is because I saw my sense of achievement as a reflection of my sense of worth and value. Looking from the outside in, I come across as incredibly capable to those that I work with. As someone who has high standards and can deliver at those standards. But internally I am often crippled with doubt and fear that I have to prove my sense of worth and belonging. That I have to consistently operate at a certain level in order to continue to be heard, seen and valued.
I don’t want to be known for being perfect and I don’t want to role model a life that is simple and one achievement after another. I want to be known for my courage, vulnerability and agility to fall and rise quickly. I want to role model comfort in the midst of discomfort and a sense of self-worth and value that isn’t attached to achievements, praise, recognition and or progress. Rather a sense of self-worth and value that is associated with self-kindness, acceptance, self-love and compassion. A sense of self-worth that is not defined and or awarded by others rather it is ignited and felt from within.
I need to challenge myself with my work and how I operate, I need to feel comfortable with failing and seeing it as part of the journey to growth and flourish my creativity. I need to find ways to let go of the need to be perfect, so that I can have the space to be whole. Spending more of my time and energy on various aspects of my life, instead of focusing all my resources down a narrow path that won’t bring me fulfilment.
The second element, is my capacity to learn and move on. The simplest way of describing this is that I’ve not had failures that others would classify as failures, because I’ve made sure that what is presented is perfection. But there have been many situations and moments where I didn’t do things perfectly and have sat in the discomfort of that reality. There have been many situations where I didn’t have the skills, answers or experience to deliver the way that I would expect of myself and therefore, have failed my own standards. I personally don’t label these as failures because it’s not been something that would socially be deemed as failure. So it’s easier for me to consider them as moments in my development where I’ve been stretched and therefore grown.
In essence I do have the capacity of learning from ‘mistakes’ and or ‘failures’ when they occur organically and in circumstances that I can’t control. I think the distinction is that I don’t have the appetite and or willingness to actively put myself in a situation where I could fail, but should I find myself in an unavoidable situation where I do fail, after beating myself up in the moment, I tend to learn and move on rather quickly. So, when I look back on events I don’t recall moments of failure because logically I can rationalise that it was out of my control and it’s not a reflection of anything I could have done. So, my sense of self-worth is protected and I can focus on the learning and growth that comes from it.
It’s when I have to actively make decisions that can result in failure where I crumble and my perfectionism over-compensates. One of the sayings that I keep coming back to is:
“What if I fall?, Oh darling, but what if you fly?”
I am so busy worrying about the falling that I don’t even contemplate the flight. I either avoid the situation all together or when I step into them I invest all my energy into ensuring that I am not going to fall. I recognise now that I am capably of flying and yes it may not always start off as high as I would like, but eventually I can get there. I’ve unfortunately have gotten into the habit of avoiding the fall so much that I have made it a much bigger issue in my head than what it actually is.
When I think about the level of growth, creativity and enhancement that I have costed myself as a result of this, I feel sad and annoyed. So much of our learning happens out of our comfort zones but leaving this space can be incredibly frightening. Interestingly enough, spiritually I’ve opened myself up to this growth, I have been exposed to so much adversity that I’ve not really had any choice. I’ve fallen deep but I’ve also risen back up. It is a whole different story in all other aspects of my life, I’ve found a way to stay at the top and prevent any chance of myself falling.
I’m not sure where this stems from but I don’t think it is serving me anymore. If I’m not willing to take risks and open myself up to the pain that comes with ‘failing’ then I won’t get to meet and explore all the parts of me that are hiding away. I want to meet my creative, talented self that is somewhere in the shadows of the analytical mind. I want to meet the dancer, the author, the artist and the poet that is waiting to hijack my life. These are all precious aspects of me that I’ve denied myself and others of, because I’m so afraid of being rejected, not being loved and being deemed as not good enough.
When I move out of my ego state and into my body and heart space it is clear to me that I am loveable I just don’t believe it, I am enough I just don’t acknowledge it and I am valuable I just don’t see it. If I can tap into my courage and let myself fail, I will come to learn that life becomes richer, because I’ve allowed myself to be free.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 