I can’t stand my new manager. I find myself so irritated and annoyed every time I speak to her. This relationship dynamic has enabled me to open my eyes to a few things about myself. Firstly, that my ego is irritated because she doesn’t give me the space, autonomy and recognition that I am used to. She is reducing my role and constraining me so that I can’t shine the way that I was. This, to me is a dangerous space to be in. Once someone is afraid of you outshining them, they make sure your light won’t be seen. This both bruises the ego and gives it too much power and influence to drag you down into dark places.
Secondly, I realised that I get to decide if I stay or if I leave. I don’t have to stay in an environment that doesn’t celebrate me and nourish me. This is when you decide what type of life you want to lead and who you want to be surrounded by. I would like to be surrounded by intelligent, secure, warm, collaborative and inclusive people who are going to celebrate me and enable me to grow and learn. When you know what you want, you can start attracting more of it for yourself. But first, you need to take the steps and put in the effort. The journey of applying for jobs is painful because there are so many knock backs. You have to remind yourself that this journey will require patience, perseverance and understanding. So, just keep going.
So, here I am every day faced with the fact that I have to work with someone who triggers a lot of the ego traps that are unpleasant and contradicts so many of my personal values. At first this angered me, the ego doesn’t like it when there is a rattle in the cage. But now I see this as an exercise in observation and one that I can learn more about what is hiding beneath the surface for me. I can see there is a lot of disappointment, hurt, lack of trust, frustrations and a level of disgust.
So now what? I’m in the process of observing myself, the thoughts and the reactions that get triggered as a result of the dynamic, I am aware of the boundaries that I want to maintain and I’m definitely conscious that I am worthy of a better leader and a better environment so it’s important for me to keep up the effort and look for the next role.
This is the dance of the ego in the real world, there will always be lessons and there will always be frictions. What you do with it is your choice. I make no claims that I am able to manage my ego in this dynamic and I have no interest in sticking it out to see if I can unpack it all. Sometimes the ego brings your attention to things that require action and taking up the action is the best thing you can do for yourself. Striking the right balance between listening to the ego but not believing everything it says is a journey of evolution and learning.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 