I was reflecting this morning on how my Soul Journey has taken me down lots of challenges and obstacles, which at the time felt impossible to overcome, but now that I have overcome them I can see that they were pivotal to shaping the person that I am today. I used to be so angry and resentful towards my younger self, every time I looked back at the hard times I would judge myself for my choices, for my way of handling things and for my way of being.
It wasn’t until a few months ago that I realised that my judgement was so unfair and unkind. In that moment I realised I need to forgive my younger versions and love and embrace them for who they were and what they did. How could I be so unkind and bitter towards younger versions of me that were for the most part children? They didn’t have the development and or the tools to make the ‘right’ choices, they made choices that at the time made sense. As for my ‘adult’ self, I judged her like as though you suddenly mature and become a true adult the day you legally are recognised as one. I used to be angry at her for making really unhealthy and poor decisions, for putting herself in bad environments and situations, surrounding herself with people that were not good for her, for her falling into depression, anxiety, for her losing friendships, for her being the way that she simply was.
When I started doing therapy and going into introspection, I noticed that these thoughts and judgements towards my ‘adult’ self were particularly cruel and incredibly unhealthy. Most importantly they were from a position of hindsight and experience, which of course I wouldn’t have had if not for the poor choices she made. But that’s another thing, it’s easy to call them out as poor choices now but for her these choices were the only choices available and or in her awareness.
The version of myself that navigated her 20s went through a whole heck of a lot. But something deep inside knew that it was not meant to be like that. That is where the spiritual work began for me, that subtle inner voice that was trying to guide her out of the adversity and help her grow her wings was the consciousness that we all have buried deep within us. It’s taken a lot of deliberate effort to observe myself, change my perspective and rewire my brain. I recognise that I still have a lot of work to do, but I think and feel that I am more balanced and at least on a healthier path.
The more I practice love and kindness towards myself the more I recognise that I have a long way to go to be my own best friend. This inner critic / judge is mighty powerful and he is not going away easily. But that’s ok, because my inner sage and warrior is determined to keep hacking away on this path until I can unveil more of my own limiting beliefs and re-establish healthier narratives that serve me.
I have come to realise that the hero, the lover, the support, the guide and the friend that I needed was myself. That’s not to say that I don’t need help or support, of course I do. It’s just to say that there is a lot more power and choice involved in the healing journey that is internal to us vs external.
Be your own hero, but be humble enough to ask for help. Be your own best friend, but be open enough to let others in. Be your own guide, but continue to seek mentors. Be your own lover, but be courageous enough to fall in love with another. Be your own support but remember that even rocks need rocks to lean on. Be kind to yourself so that you can be kind to others.
Practice.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 