Is it procrastination if you avoid doing the things you know you need to because you’re in creative flow? Hmm… that’s a hard question and I don’t know if I really want to know the answer seeing as I’m choosing to write this blog instead of spending time doing my studies, catching up with my coaching notes and getting on with life today. I have been frustrated and annoyed by the level of procrastination that has developed over the past 5 years.
I’ve never been one to leave things to the last minute and always enjoyed being on top of things. But I have noticed that since I became aware of my high-control self, I’ve started going in the opposite direction. I’ve let go of everything and now find myself struggling to get back into the mojo of being organised and being timely. There is definitely benefits to letting go of control, for example I’ve stopped being so concerned about using these things to define my sense of self and realised that there is more to life than always doing things perfectly.
But now the dilemma is that I seem to stack on the guilt when I don’t do things perfectly and or when I don’t meet my own expectations. I am actively choosing to write about this instead of acting on it, so one would assume that I’m consciously making this choice and therefore, wouldn’t punish myself later. That’s not how reality goes, I know that later on I will feel the discomfort of ‘wasting’ time doing something I didn’t have to do instead of investing it in something I needed to. But who defines the priorities around my to do list? Am I avoiding the tasks on my to do list or am I attending to a greater need which is creativity and relaxation?
I am still trying to figure what is driving this dysfunctional cycle. Who is in control? What am I avoiding and what do I need to overcome? I think one of the biggest reasons why it feels so uncomfortable is because it goes against my value of achievement. I don’t necessarily associate achievement with big and bold outcomes, rather, I think it’s more about consistency, determination and making that progress until you get something across the finish line. So when I procrastinate I disrupt this need, I tend to focus on other things that I prioritise and what happens is that I stagnate on a particular task. This is really uncomfortable. I sense some competing needs but I am not sure what need I am fulfilling.
I need to let go of judging myself about this and just learn to observe, learn and understand what is driving my behaviours. There is either a need or a sabotaging belief. Either way, I can only get to the bottom of this through observation and awareness; not judgement!
Note to self, be kind to yourself as you figure out how to apply a circuit breaker.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 