I feel like I’ve lost all control and that my judge is taking over again. I was getting close to dethroning the internal judge, realising that I don’t need it and it doesn’t serve me. This realisation has definitely put the judge on overdrive because it has found all different avenues to sabotage my behaviours, thoughts and feelings. Our internal judge is the produce of our wiring and learning. It’s not a separate entity, rather it’s a version of ourselves that has developed in childhood in order to protect us. But now, as adults it does way more harm than good.
My judge has been taking me to ransom now and dictating to me how my life should be. This is not the way I want to live and nor is it the way that anyone else should live. Being driven by the desires, learnings, thoughts and beliefs that have been engrained in us as children and or as young inexperienced adults. Even as I write this now it’s criticising me and telling me there is something wrong with me. I know that there are steps that I can take to break through from what has become my autopilot. But the energy it requires to do so it is massive and being tired only pushes me further into the arms of the judge.
In order to get to where I want to get to, I have to first go through all the unpleasant experiences of confronting my demons and then letting go of all the narratives and thoughts that don’t serve me. It’s not a linear journey, it’s a messy one where you can find yourself at the starting point time and time again. This frustration is enough to make you want to quit, but there must be a way that you can break the cycle and there must be a way that you can find more joy and peace in your life.
I know that the older, wiser version of me is waiting for me to find her and my younger versions of me are desperately waiting to be loved. As the bridge between my past and future selves, I have to persevere with the frustration and the discomfort, one moment at a time, resisting the diminishing beliefs that make me want to shrink into non-existence. This is part of the human experience that we rarely talk about but we all go through the lows, we all feel the pain and we all want it to stop. Some of us are happy with daily and materialistic distractions or solutions but I don’t want a temporary fix to these feelings and thoughts. I want the healing and that is why I’m going to continue my Soul Journey and know that one day I will look back and it will all make sense.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 