This Sunday I’m trying to reconnect back with the peace and silence that is somewhere in and around me. I’ve been so uptight and stressed over the past few weeks that I’ve lost all sense of calm and serenity. What is it that is causing me to stress? The simple answer is my thinking patterns and where and how I prioritise my attention and time. My body is alerting me to the neglect it has felt over the past few weeks with the lack of sleep, excess caffeine as well as healthy habits that it needs to restore itself like meditation, yoga, exercise etc.
It’s irritating realising this and telling yourself that you will start doing things differently and you will take care of yourself but then you don’t. I keep telling myself ok I’m going to try harder this week, I will make better choices I will get back into a routine etc. and still find that I’m not doing what I know I need to. This pressure in itself is exhausting because all it does is trigger the inner judge that is punishing me and making me feel useless and lazy.
Layering guilt on top of the disappointment that I feel for the lack of progress I’ve made in this space is not going to help resolve anything. The more critical I am the more sorry I feel for myself and before I know it I’m feeling worthless and overwhelmed by everything around me. I’m only attuned to this because of the level of introspection that is done, otherwise on the surface it just manifests itself as irritation, short temper, insecurity and stress.
At the core of all these surface level thoughts and feelings is that I’m punishing myself for not achieving what I have said I would. I am the reason why this cycle is not breaking and I will be the only reason why it eventually will. So, it’s really up to me at the end of the day, if I keep making the choice to delay my self-care, or to further deprive myself of sleep then the consequences and discomforts will continue to follow. The only way I can be the circuit breaker that I need is by starting somewhere. Where that is or when that is I don’t know, but forcing the change won’t make it happen. I need to relax into it and take the little steps needed for the change to evolve into a noticeable shift.
Being sustainably kind to ourselves requires continuous effort and learning. In my experience it’s not a linear path and it’s not rational either, meaning we can’t always talk ourselves into being kind. Everyone has their own journey and their own experiences with this, so it’s not fair to compare. At the very least we need to understand what that journey is for us and be aware of how we’re travelling on it.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 