The past few months have been an interesting roller coaster, the type that I’ve not ridden before. I haven’t been writing much because I have also stopped doing a lot of the things that bring me joy. I think this is a self-sabotage that has come as a result of a comment from an ex-colleague that triggered a snowball effect in me. A few months ago when I was updating her on things, she said “well, same old same old then it’s always the same for you”. This really struck a chord and pulled me into a dip that I wasn’t anticipating. This is in particular because the nature of the update wasn’t pleasant and her remark came across as a sense of defeat for all the effort and hard work I had put in for months to pull myself out of the crisis dip that I had been in. It all of a sudden felt that all that energy and time was wasted, because she’s right I’m still stressed, down and uncertain.
I didn’t realise this comment had triggered my self-sabotage mode until I was talking to a dear friend of mine yesterday and relaying the past few months to her. How I felt like I was all over the place, lost and confused, uncertain and doubtful, scared and impatient. I realised that this comment had deflated my efforts and energies and made me criticise myself and my life. It had triggered the judge in me in a way that hadn’t been triggered in a while and I think it’s because prior to this I was actively working on demoting the judge narrative in my thought processes. Of course, the ego doesn’t like change because its identity is fixated on what it knows. So when this comment came in from her, my ego latched on for dear life and for the past few months it got up centre stage and controlled everything.
There was a lot going on in my life and instead of being present for it I was battling mental health triggers and issues that were putting me into states of anxiety and depression. My partner was visiting me on an extended stay and after almost two years of separation we had the opportunity to live together again, for 3 months. At the same time I was adjusting to my new role which is harder, larger and more demanding than what I have ever had to do. I have stepped into a leadership role and I’m also coaching on the side in my spare time. All of these are fantastic things but they’re also fear inducing because they involve significant change. They require me to step out of my comfort zone, they require me to accept that I deserve happiness, they require me to be ok with uncertainty, they require me to change my daily routines and habits, they require me to be patient with myself etc. In hindsight I didn’t handle them the best way that I could because I was so stuck on my ‘failure’ highlighted to me by that comment that I had just spiralled down a black hole that was going to sabotage everything else.
I felt disconnected from myself, I had fallen into a pit that I didn’t see coming and when I found myself there I started being hard on myself for letting myself fall back, for being the way that I am, for thinking the way that I do. I want so badly to be healed from the past traumas and I want so badly to be able to make the most of my life. I know that this takes time and that there is a lot of work to be done, I think I forget that I have made progress and that I have been able to heal from a lot, but there are a lot of things to heal from and I need to accept that is ok.
I know I’m not alone with my mental health challenges, I know that others too find themselves in rumination and exhaustion, losing control of their thoughts and their experiences. It can particularly feel so lonely and confusing when you are unable to understand it despite all the efforts you put into healing from it. How do you heal something you can’t see? It’s easy to feel bitter about my mental state, I also feel angry about why I’ve had to go through certain experiences in life that have left me with such deep scars. I can see that I’m far too focused on the pain that has come from it and not the silver linings, because every bad situation has led to something beautiful either within me or without. This is the cycle of life, there is always balance between the beautiful and the ugly.
Life is too precious, short and beautiful to be disregarded in this way. I’m going to find my way back out of this dip.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 