I want to talk about being strong and resilient. These are compliments that I have received a few times throughout my life, mainly because I’ve been able to get through difficult life events with a level of consistency and an impression that it doesn’t effect me as badly as it does. To be fair, I wasn’t hiding anything I just didn’t realise these events were hurting me the way they were. I can see now that the brave face that I put on and the can do attitude that I persisted with has cost me my mental health as I didn’t get the help that I needed at the time and I didn’t have many of my needs met.
Most of this though occurred in my formative years as a child and a teenager, so I need to be cautious that I don’t blame the younger versions of myself for the things they’ve done because they frankly weren’t developed enough to know better. But I have learned this coping mechanism and so even as an adult today I am not aware of the things that sadden me, I tend to brush it under the carpet automatically and it’s not until something else triggers me that I become aware that I’m upset, scared or hurt.
I used to take pride in being seen as strong and resilient but now I realise that actually that hasn’t served me because it’s not really allowed anyone to come into the vulnerability with me and help me. There is a fine line between healthy and unhealthy levels of strength and resilience we need to demonstrate in the face of adversity. The moment you guard yourself and create a fortress where you are ‘fine’, that is when you are ignoring your needs and your own humanity. No one is ‘fine’ when they’re going through a difficult time. No one enjoys grief, pain, fear, loss and or uncertainty.
When the social narrative supports a sense of perfectionism around life, it can be intimidating to share and or express imperfections in ourselves and our lives. The greatest strength and resilience that anyone can show is being vulnerable and open with themselves and others. It’s to know when to lean on others and when to be independent, when to raise a flag to surrender and when to keep on fighting. We also need to start reshaping narratives on the types of strength and resilience we celebrate. For example, it’s easy to compliment someone’s strength and resilience when they achieve the ‘impossible’ through hard work and dedication like climbing mountain peaks, or competing in sports, finding success or growing their business etc. But rarely do we celebrate the strength that comes with waking up in the morning and getting out of bed when you have crippling depression. Or, the type of strength required when you are afraid of the world around you but you still show up with love and care for your friends and family.
We need to celebrate strength and resilience in all it’s shapes, shades and sizes and we need to be aware that whilst these are great attributes that can be helpful in the face of growth and adversity, they can also be the armour that guards us up from getting support from others. The below illustration really sums it up for me. Let’s celebrate all types of strength, they’re all equally beautiful and inspiring in their own way.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 