This year I wanted to develop my sense of self-assurance. So I set this as my intention word that I want to anchor everything back to so that I can be focused on where to spend my energy. Upon reflecting back on the first 6 months of this year I can see that the first 2 months were full of deliberate thoughts and actions that enabled this intention word. I felt like a woman on a mission, but then all of a sudden and out of no where that deliberate approach and energy went away and self sabotage came in and took control.
I found myself withdrawing from all things helpful and necessary, I stopped partaking in self care routines, activities and or thoughts that enabled my self-assurance to flourish and instead I stepped into a space of self-criticism. Then I got angry at myself and was frustrated that yet again I have done this, I’ve ‘failed’ to keep the growth going, I’ve ‘failed’ to get myself through the mental traps that weigh me down; I fell into the trap of being unkind and unfair to myself. It turns out that I don’t handle disappointment very well, particularly if I am the reason behind the disappointment. This cycle has been bugging me for the past few months and every time I think about it I get upset and angry. But this in itself is a great test and opportunity to put into practice my self-assurance muscle.
Self-assurance is the ability to know and trust that you can and will get through the various types of chapters and that you don’t need validation, celebration, recognition and or even support from others to help make this a reality. I’ve been relying far too long for others to tell me what to do, what’s right, what’s wrong, what’s good, what’s bad. I’ve searched for the answers outside of me because I’ve never had the self-assurance to trust that I can and will find the answers within me. Knowing and trusting that I’m resourceful and capable and so I can rely on my judgements and my thinking.
The only way to develop my self-assurance is through embracing my mistakes, my flaws and my disappointments. It’s about being forgiving and knowing that beating myself up doesn’t add value to anything and it doesn’t undo anything. I can continue to wallow and feel bad for myself for losing the so called ‘momentum’. I can feed myself narratives that will keep me in the state of depression, or I can choose to try and see that these experiences help form and shape the self-assurance muscle.
I don’t want to rely on others validation, I don’t want to seek permission for being the way that I am and therefore thinking the way that I do. There is no shame in being different, nor is there any shame in believing yourself and most importantly backing yourself. Yes the past few months have felt difficult, yes they’ve felt like I’ve been drowning in my self-criticism. But I know that I can and will be able to get myself out of that pattern of thinking and relieve myself from the pressures of being perfect and or doing perfectly.
It’s a daily reminder, it’s like an addiction that you have to learn to live with. f
These are all the lessons that will help me understand myself better.
It’s all part of the Soul Journey.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 