As I’ve started to evolve on my Soul Journey and let go of so many beliefs and ideas that weren’t my own, I’ve come to realise I don’t really know who I am and what I want. I’ve been rather upset about this because it has made me feel as though there is something ‘wrong’ with me. How are those around me so clear about what they want, what makes them happy and what they’re searching for and yet here I am struggling to answer simple questions like what do I like, what do I enjoy, what do I want etc.
It wasn’t until recently that I realised that there isn’t something wrong with me, rather this is a symptom of being a people pleaser. It was a big realisation as I wouldn’t have consciously labelled myself as a people pleaser, but upon reflection I can see that I’m the product of a culture and an upbringing that is anchored on pleasing others. I can see how in many settings I’ve faded into the background as someone who has no agency. This has been masked really well because I’ve only ever noticed my assertive personality and stubborn ways of being. Not realising that underneath it, I’ve depleted my self existence and made myself small in order to be accepted, loved and welcomed. My whole focus in relationship dynamics, in particular professional, familial and romantic ones, has been to prove my self-worth through meeting the needs of others and establishing my value through making myself of value to them.
The people pleasing manifests itself in different ways with different types of relationships, but the common theme is that I am reliant on the input, acceptance, validation and confirmation of others to determine that I am worthy, that I am doing the ‘right’ thing, that I’m of value and that I am loved. Every time I’ve made decisions with the approval of my family in mind, I’ve put their wishes, wants and needs ahead of my own. Every time I’ve not expressed my feelings to my friends, I’ve silenced myself when they’ve hurt me. Every time I’ve bit my tongue when people have not treated me kindly, I’ve accepted that I’m not worthy of being treated nicely. Every time I allowed others to use me physically, emotionally and spiritually I’ve sacrificed pieces of me that I am struggling to reclaim.
It’s no surprise that I don’t know who I am and what I want, reflecting on the past I can see I’ve not given myself the agency to write the narratives of my life. I’ve done what is expected of me, I’ve done what is socially and morally expected. When you shrink yourself to become the shadows of those around you, you forget that you can step into the sun light yourself. But I’m ready to shine the light on the darkness, I’m ready to reclaim my own self worth and write my own narrative. I know that this will require a lot of time and patience because it’s not natural to me, but it’s going to be worth it.
Little by little I need to step outside of my comfort zone and step into stretch zones that will allow me to safely explore various aspects of my being. I need to rethink my position in my motivations and ask myself the critical question of is this serving ME? I can get to learn who I am, what I want and create healthier boundaries that enable me to be me and to navigate this life with more agency and authenticity. You have to first deconstruct yourself in order to reconstruct yourself back up the way you’d like to.
This is really hard work and can take you to some dark places, but you have to trust and know that you can and will climb out of it one day. If you retain your focus and know that you’re on the right path you will eventually reap the benefits of all the hard work and all the disruptions. We each deserve to live a life that is authentic to ourselves, one that is not concerned with being liked by others rather one that involves being respected and loved by ourselves. We’re not here to please others, we’re here to find ourselves and to celebrate whatever shape and form that version takes.
Be kind to yourself, be forgiving, life is hard as it is but if we embrace the messiness we can enjoy it a lot more.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 