As a child you look to those around you in order to make sense of the world. You place a lot of value and worth on what they say, how they say it and what they teach. Whether it’s your friends, family, teachers or society, you are constantly seeking to make sense of the world through the information that is around you. Of course you don’t actively realise this, but it is what occurs as part of the ‘nurture’ you are receiving. We all enter this world with a blank canvas and as we grow through it, we find ourselves smothered in all sorts of colours.
Some of us will have bright beautiful colours splattered around our canvas, others have dark and dull colours. Most of us though have a mixture and it’s the balance of this mixture that can determine the way you then go about your life. It’s hard to recognise that we have the ability and the power to paint over this canvas should we wish. As adults we don’t have to settle for the colours that have landed on there and can find ways and tools to redesign our canvas.
Like many others, a lot of my journey includes unkind words and people. Stories that others told me about me that had left me inadequate and feeling unworthy. At school it was about the way that I looked, at university it was not only about the way that I looked but how I compared to others, then in my early adulthood it was about the way that I thought and felt and by my mid to late 20’s it became about what I was and wasn’t capable of. Before I knew it, I had accepted nothing but ugly versions of myself and my whole existence. I couldn’t tell you a single thing that I liked about myself and or could be proud of. I was trying so hard to prove others wrong that I didn’t pause to think am I happy with who I am?
Last year as I was looking at my life canvas and I realised that I was so busy trying to paint a picture that others would like, I had painted one that I hated. The canvas wasn’t reflecting who I thought I was and I had taken far too much paint from others instead of creating my own.
So, this year I set out on a journey of Self-assurance. Not the type that is about building up my ego but the type of assurance that is uncovering my capital ‘S’ Self. I slowly started finding the colours that I wanted to put on my canvas and started stripping away the perspectives, beliefs and thoughts that were telling me I was unworthy, incapable, insignificant, unimportant, small and unlovable.
This journey is confronting, when you go seeking the pain from the past in order to heal it, you will feel a lot of discomfort, a lot of sorrow and grief. It is painful and dark, it’s also really lonely and heavy. For me it manifested in severe depression and anxiety. It was a place that had many hardships and many challenges. As hard as it is, you need to take a moment to feel it all, you can’t get out of this without going through the pain and the darkness. As you go through this journey you need to constantly remind yourself that you are not defined by this and that ‘this too shall pass’. Most importantly you have to practice walking through the pain without judgement, with compassion and a lot of acceptance and forgiveness.
It’s also critical that you don’t go through this without support and tools that will help you. I’ve thrown everything I could to this healing process, 2.5 years of therapy, 1.5 years of coaching, a lot of reflection and introspection, meditation, yoga, exercise, good food etc. you name it. Whilst the journey is still ever evolving for me, I am slowly starting to see that I’ve put enough new colours on my canvas that it’s starting to reflect the true me. There is a sense of joy that comes from looking at this and recognising that you are the painter and not others.
When you listen to everything others describe about you, you start believing that you are what and who they say you are. But it’s important to craft your own sense of Self with your own judgement and values. There is so much still to recover and discover. There is so much more to unpack and let go of, but I am happy that I am starting to recognise who I truly am and not what I was told I can and can’t be.
I am sure there are many others who can resonate with this. We are all constantly throwing paint around at each other’s canvases and unless we pause and find ways to protect that canvas and be deliberate about what goes on and what stays off, we can’t paint the lives we deserve. Search for the colours that inspire you on your journey of Self-assurance. Trust that if you go through the pain and the discomfort you will find the healing and joy you are worthy of.
We were all born ‘enough’, so let’s not go to our graves feeling anything less then.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 