I’m noticing that there is a bit of internal incongruence going on lately where I’m being pulled into opposing directions by my thoughts and ultimately my mood. For example, this evening I’m simultaneously energised and happy, whilst feeling anxious and tired. How can that be? Well emotions are complex and humans are messy, that’s my short response to it.
I’ve come to realise that this internal incongruence is due to a tug-a-war between the older version of myself and the newer version of me. My older version consists of all that has been programmed into me since I was little, it is how I have experienced the world and the person that I know myself to be. The new version of me is made up of the new neural pathways that I’m rewiring through doing a lot of inner work so that I can better align to my nature.
On this path I’ve had to go through a lot of pain, discomfort and hard days where everything feels impossible and the only thing that I have energy for is survival. But, I think I am finally at a stage where after 2.5 years of deliberate work, I’m starting to notice that there are new neural pathways that have been formed and new beliefs that are starting to gain power over old ones. I still have a long way to go before these pathways become my natural response to the world but at least now I can see that the effort is going somewhere.
Our minds are like gardens, the seeds we plant are what grows into the fruit that we reap. It’s up to us to look at these seeds and ask ourselves, are they resulting in the fruits that we desire? I had a lot of unwanted fruit in my garden as well as weeds that had grown on the back of traumatic events. But I am determined to reconfigure the garden that is my mind and work towards planting seeds that will result in flowers and fruits that reflect the experiences I want to have in my life.
I know this will take time, it will take trial and error and I will have to go through many more days where the hardship is unbearable. At least now I know that I have the wisdom needed to guide me through this journey. For me it’s been worthwhile because it’s resulting in a more peaceful mind and more joy within. But I know that I have a long way to go yet before I can look back and reap all the fruits that I would like to reap!
One seed at a time.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 