My goal for this year was to develop Self-assurance; I deliberately capitalise this S because for me this doesn’t mean growing my ego, rather it is about connecting with my Soul.
This intention word came up because I was sick of having to rely on the validation of others in order to have permission to recognise my capabilities, contributions and worth; in particular within my career. I was waiting around for validation so that I would feel the right to celebrate myself. It was exhausting because I seldom got it in the format or to the degree that I needed. I used to think that the need for validation was limited to my professional life, unaware of how much it also impacted my personal life.
I am not surprised though, becuase I do believe we are a whole person in all settings and that there isn’t really a split between professional and personal. I was unaware that my desperate need for connection was stemming from the lack of Self-assurance I have around being unconditionally loveable.
Somewhere along the line I have picked up that I need to take care of others in order to be loved and cared for myself. There is this unconscious wiring that my worth to others is centred on how much I do for them, what I give to them and how much I take on from them.
Recently, I got ghosted by someone who I called a sister and who called me one back, a person that I adored so deeply. After 11 years of deep connection and a wonderful friendship, she just stopped responding to me one day. There was no conflict, there were no issues, there was nothing that I can make sense of that could lead to this. But this has resulted in a lot of grief for me that I am now trying to heal.
Because there is no closure, there is no understanding of what happened. On the one hand I am worried about her because this is not in her character, and on the other I can’t help that this is because I didn’t matter to her the way that I thought I did.
It has been very difficult and I am still grieving it, but today I realised that my grief for this relationship isn’t limited to just missing her but rather it is tainted by feelings of unworthiness and not being inherintly loveable.
If not for this grief, I would never have recognised that I have attached my value and sense of worth to the relationships that are around me. To people validating my value by wanting me in their lives. I am unconscious wired to believe that if I have friends who love me unconditionally, then I am worthy of it. Take that away, then I am worth nothing.
I realise now that my sense of worth isn’t attached to the relationships I have. That having dear friends doesn’t define my value or worth. That when people leave it doesn’t mean I am not good enough or that I have somehow done something wrong.
Sometimes certain chapters have to end. Sometimes people need to exit our lives so that we can have space for others to enter. Sometimes, we need to learn hard lessons and the only way we can go deep enough is if we hurt hard enough.
I recognise now, that losing her is the price I have to pay in order to find me and love me unconditionally. I realise now, that she can’t fill that void and that I need to find ways to know that I am loved not because of what I do, but because of who I am.
Growing my Self-assurance has taken a different perspective, one that is focused on learning to love myself the way I love others. I have gotten better at this over the years, but there is so much more work I need to do.
As for my precious friend, I will grieve the loss of our friendship. I will send her blessings, praying that she is ok and that whatever has led her to act in this way is resolved and that she is living her joy. I pray that one day we will reunite, but if not, I am so grateful for the 11 years of love, connection, memories and friendship we did share.
I am also grateful that through her, I have been directed to the path of healing pains I wasn’t even aware of.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 