Have you ever wondered what you would be doing if you weren’t holding yourself back?
Have you even noticed how much you’re standing in your own way?
How many times have you rejected yourself or talked yourself out of pursuing dreams that make you feel alive?
Are you on your own side or are you your own worst enemy?
I have definitely not been my own friend, but I am learning how to love myself more and appreciating how important it is to first have a loving relationship with yourself before you can step out into the world and love others.
One of the things that I need to work on is to get out of my own way. I’m afraid of my own potential, of experiencing joy, happiness and pleasure. I’ve become so used to reducing myself down and removing all expectations of good things happening to me, that I can’t allow myself to shine fully, feel deeply and let go bravely. I understand how I have arrived here, but I also recognise that I can’t stay stuck in this way of being.
My younger self didn’t have the knowledge, experience, awareness, tools and or the support needed to cope with all that she was going through. So she did what she knew best which was to survive by developing coping strategies that helped her navigate the situation as best as possible. But these coping strategies are now like bars that are holding me hostage and won’t allow me to step out and embrace my freedom.
If I built up those bars, then I can break them down; though breaking them down will bring with it a flood of painful memories and suppressed emotions that deserve to be honoured and let go of. It’s time I step back into my power, my strength and my courage so that I can stop self-sabotaging myself. Giving myself permission to live life fully, rather than fearfully. As part of this I have been observing how I show up to life and I noticed that when I lost momentum, clarity, awareness and balance this year that I didn’t hold myself compassionately and instead resorted to criticising myself until I felt worthless. This is a pattern that I have learnt and which defines some of the bars I’ve put up around myself.
But, I am tired of making myself small and being afraid of choosing things that bring me joy. I want to go through life feeling alive and being present with every moment. Appreciating the blessings, celebrating the wins, loving the wounds and healing the scars so that I can be present for all of it. Life is not perfect, it’s not easy and it’s not always straight forward. But time and adversity have taught me that irrespective of how hard things get, there is always beauty somewhere in our lives; we just have to search for it.
Learning to find that beauty has taken some practice but it’s definitely a tool worth picking up. When you search for beauty, you don’t have to drown in the darkness. For example, right now that beauty is present in the folk music I’m listening to, the hot coffee I’m drinking and my writing. Focusing on these allows me relieve myself from the severe depression, anxiety and stress that I am currently experiencing by allowing myself to be present with simple blessings that replenish me.
I will eventually step out of the bars that I’ve made in my mind and I will gradually liberate myself from the limiting thoughts that are holding me back from living a life that is rich in presence and gratitude. Step by step, thought by thought, breath by breath. Every moment is a moment to come back to myself and learn to love myself better and more fully.
I’m off to enjoy the coffee, the music and the rain. I hope you too will find the little things in your life that can give you peace and joy, despite all the other parts of you that may be suffering.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 