I am happy, it has been a very long time since I could feel that, let alone say it. But there is a sense of panic and anxiety rippling through me as I realise this because I’m terrified of the happiness fleeting. It’s been a rough few years and so feeling happy feels incredibly foreign and fragile. It feels vulnerable and it brings a lot to the surface. Beliefs that are unhealthy, thoughts that are trying to hijack joy from me. But I recognise that a lot of this is coping mechanisms that I’ve developed so that I would be able to survive the traumas that have been going on.
I need to remind myself that I am worthy of joy, good things and happiness and that being happy doesn’t mean that I am opening myself up for bad things to happen to me. This resistance to happiness and joy stems from the learning that every time I used to be happy something bad happened. This isn’t a rational thought and it’s definitely not one that I want to retain, but it is the one that is currently replaying in my mind and so I have to accept that I’m scared of being happy.
I know that I’m not alone in this experience and it’s one that is hard to relate to if you don’t understand it. To help tackle the learning, I am trying to step into my body a lot more and feel the sensations associated with happiness and joy so that I can imprint it fully in my memory and not try to pass it off like a hot potato. I am trying to stay with it and let it sink in, despite the fact that it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable to acknowledge it. My ego is trying to shame me into the darkness and make me feel unworthy, but I can see through its tricks and I will find any means I can to challenge it.
I will find a way to feel comfortable with happiness, I will learn to feel worthy of it and somehow cut the association with disaster being around the corner. Pain is not the price we pay for happiness.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 