I’ve noticed that whenever I allow myself to feel content, I search for reasons to either generate anxiety or to seek guilt. It’s a self-sabotaging mechanism that I must have been learnt some where along the way. I don’t know if others feel the same way or if it’s just restricted to my personal nurturing and learning, either way, it’s not really helpful and it’s not something that I want to keep on doing.
I want to be able to sit in joy because life is too short to be anxious and or to feel guilty for no good reason. I’m not talking about the type of guilt that creeps in when you’ve done something wrong, I’m talking about the type of guilt that comes from comparison to others e.g. I can’t be happy in world where there is so much pain. This type of thinking doesn’t help anyone and it doesn’t make the world a better place either, so it’s counterproductive and needs to stop.
I allowed myself to do things that bring me joy today and allowed myself to just BE. I have been enjoying enhancing my comfort zone and bringing in a bit more of nature and movement into my life. Little by little I’m navigating new terrains, new experiences, new parts of me that make me feel more connected to life and myself. I can see now that by staying in my little comfortable cocoon, I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities to smile and just be free. But there is no point punishing myself for what has been, I just need to recognise that I’ve got the ability to continue on this path of change and allow myself to be in joy as much as possible.
By putting in a lot of work and effort with therapy and actively working towards improving my mental health, I can see that slowly I’m starting to make progress and I’ve been able to turn the pain into wisdom that now allows me to seek courage. Some days are easier than others, but I’ve come to accept that I can’t worry about the bad days when the good days are here. I need to be present with them so that I can bottle up the energy and the life needed to continue the battle when the days become dark. Maybe one day the black clouds will completely disappear or maybe not. There is only this moment and so that is where I want to practice being.
Little steps, little moments, little changes and before you know it, you’ve managed to climb mountains that you thought you could never climb. Don’t give up on yourself even when weight of the world is on your shoulders. Get the help you need and remember that the sun doesn’t cease to exist when there are clouds, so even on bad days keep hope that the sun will eventually shine again.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 