Life puts you in a lot of cross roads. Whenever I’ve been faced with such cross roads I’ve always opted for the decision that is backed by my rational thinking and logic. Make the RIGHT decision, the BEST decision, the decision that everyone else expects you to make because everyone else would make that decision if they had your opportunities. But these decisions have cost me a lot, they’ve cost me a part of my authentic Being that I am now desperately trying to find and invite back into the equation. When you always make the decisions that you’re expected to, you are also making the decision to please others and forget about yourself.
You’re making decisions not for yourself but for the pressures that you place on yourself because of perceptions, projections, fears, expectations and stories you’ve been telling yourself. Yes there has been positives to these decisions and I have been afforded great opportunities and experiences, but there has also been a lot of depression, anxiety, loneliness and masking that has been required. I didn’t realise the extent to which I was doing this until this year. I never thought I was living my life for others but I recognise now that a lot of the way that I was in the world was because I didn’t set out a deliberate plan with what it is I wanted to feel and experience.
I am starting to become more clear about this and as a result I am tired of trying to deny myself of the decisions I want to take because I’m afraid of what will be. I’m afraid of ‘failure’, getting it ‘wrong’ and making decisions that I won’t be able to undo. I am so afraid of making decisions that will result in those around me judging me or telling me ‘I told you so’ when it doesn’t work out. I’m mostly afraid of disappointing my future self and letting her down by making ‘decisions’ that result in her pain, hurt and or setback.
There used to be a time where ‘logic’ was the only compass I relied on, but living life in a unidimensional, black and white way limits you from truly experiencing it in 3D and colour. I realise now that my resistance to what I would have previously called ‘fluffy’ spiritual stuff was a reflection of the control my ego had on the identity it had formed. This desire to KNOW, to be able to prove things and have hard facts so that I can always be RIGHT. I now realise that knowledge can only take you so far and that it’s important to pay attention to other inputs that aren’t as tangible. There is merit in being curious and courageous in the face of unknowns and uncertainties. If you always want to make the RIGHT decision, you risk missing out on all the adventure that is waiting for you in the unknowns.
I am tired of doing things by the book, making the ‘right’ decisions. I need to grow the courage and faith needed to set out into the world with a new compass that will help me attract more love, laughter, joy and presence. I know that this will require radical change from me and that it will also bring with it a lot of anxiety and possibly depression. But like all change, after a while you come to get use to it and as such you grow into the version of yourself that is able to make decisions and ‘fail’ with courage, pride and optimism.
This is going to be a such a big test for me because I don’t know any different than navigating life through my logical lens and with my mind. Inviting my body, soul and intuition into the equation through the vessel that is my heart is going to feel so foreign and uncomfortable. But this is the growth I need, I don’t want to live a ‘safe’ life that closes me off from experiences that are broad, colourful and expanding.
I want to live.
I want to explore.
I want to be brave.
I want to be adventurous.
I want to courageous.
I want to laugh.
I want to feel.
I want to seek.
I want to experience it all.
What is it that you want to do?
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 