I was recently having a conversation with my cousin about the cross-roads in my life and the decisions that I need to make. As we were talking about the two scenarios he asked me about the risks associated with one of the decisions and when I shared it with him he gave the most powerful insight. He said to me it sounds like the second option has set backs but set backs aren’t risks, they’re just set backs which require you to restart from a place you already have been.
This was really powerful, all of a sudden it dawned on me that he’s right. I’m not taking a risk with the second decision I’m just choosing to take a step back in order to take a step forward. So why is this so hard for me? I’m reluctant to do this because it doesn’t align to my value of progress and that is interesting because I’m looking at progress in such a linear and measured way. But the reality is that progress is not linear and or unidimensional. This reminds me of the board game snakes and ladders, I am so focused on getting to the ladders that I can’t stand it when I have to go back when I reach a snake. The reason why the snakes are an issue is because in a board game there is always a ‘finish’ line and the objective is to get there as fast as you can. But you can’t go through life with that type of mentality because life only has one finish line and that is death. I have no desire to reach that finish line so then why am I in such a rush and so obsessed with progressing forward?
If I remove this construct of there being a ‘finish’ then what happens? What becomes clear is that in order to gain what I want in other parts of my life then I need to take a step back in my career. Therefore, progress doesn’t become this linear process that is just moving forward at all costs, rather it’s about making deliberate decisions around where you will focus your energy, time and efforts.
I also need to be conscious that I don’t have a crystal ball and so I don’t know for a fact that there will be ‘set-backs’; I’m just assuming there will be because of assumptions that I’m making. But is any of this true? I suppose it’s only as true as I believe it is and it’s only going to be a problem if I turn it into one. This resistance is a natural part of change and so I need to focus my attention on the things that I will gain and not on what I will lose. Yes the discomfort is strong, the fear is crippling and there will be some form of grief when you deliberately walk away from what you have worked so hard to achieve. Is it madness? Perhaps. But then staying on this course is madness, what would you call turning your back on your dreams, talents and relationship?
I need to be honest with myself about what I want and stop making decisions about what I don’t want. I need to find the compass that will help me make decisions that are aligned to my values, truth and authentic Self. I can’t make the decision based on what others want me to make and perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to choose. But if there was ever a time to make decisions authentically, this would be one of them. This is an important decision to make and instead of putting pressure on myself and looking at it through the lens of fear and worry I can choose to look at this through the lens of enthusiasm, optimism and curiosity instead.
It’s hard not to think in absolutes and for me it’s also hard not to catastrophise because it’s what my brain has learnt to do as a result of trauma. But the reality is that there is nothing that is black and white in life and so it’s important to remind myself of the colour that is in between. If my mind has the ability to imagine a future that is grey and dark, it also has the ability to imagine a future that is beautiful and colourful. I just need to help it focus on the possibilities and not the loss.
I can sense my body getting tense, probably because it is not used to deliberate change and requires some nourishment and love in order to know and recognise that it is not unsafe. I can’t undo the fact that my body is carrying trauma scars with it, but I can help guide it through life with love and tenderness. I am sure I will make decisions that will enable me to step into my authentic self and that will help me uncover more colours in my life.
One breath at a time.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 