What does excitement feel like?
What does joy feel like?
What does happiness feel like?
What does love feel like?
What does courage feel like?
What does gratitude feel like?
What does compassion feel like?
What does good feel like?
As I continue to reconnect back with my body I am trying to understand how my body feels during different emotions. Trauma has caused a disconnect with my body and my emotions. So I really struggle to identify and label certain emotions that I’ve guarded myself from. I have also resonated far too much with the feelings and sensations that I am familiar with such as stress, sadness, numbness, worry, unworthiness, guilt, hopelessness, fear, unimportance and inadequacy.
These feelings have made a home in my body, because of depression and anxiety. As I continue on my messy healing journey I am ready to do a bit of a spring clean and a personal inventory check on where I am at on this journey of reconnecting with my body and understanding my other emotions. I’m putting pen to paper to see what I am currently able to articulate against these emotions, so here goes:
- Excitement for me is often confused with stress and anxiety because they both have a similar sensation in my stomach. I am afraid of feeling excited because it’s a very energising feeling and one that can completely take over. I feel like I don’t trust it because I lose control slightly and so that makes me clam up. Historically I have felt like I need to suppress it because I don’t know how to handle the experience in my body in a positive way.
- Joy feels like contentment, peace and gratitude combined. It feels calm and peaceful in my body. Like it’s how I am meant to feel all the time, if only I knew how to get out of my head and into my body more often! I think it was a couple of years ago now that I realised that joy was missing in my life so I am trying to do more things that allow me to experience this emotion and state of being.
- Happiness feels like a rush, a sense of elevation that is fleeting but in a good way. I’m afraid of happiness because of the trauma I’ve gone through and the limiting beliefs I’ve formed around it. But it’s something that I am trying to rewire in myself so that I can sit with it without being afraid of it.
- Love is a hard one, because I don’t remember what it feels like to be loved. I’ve really disconnected from this feeling because I’m too afraid of being hurt. I know intellectually I am loved, but it’s different to feeling loved. This is one that I need to work hard on because I want to feel loved as a whole person and not just intellectually.
- Courage is an interesting one because I can only feel it once I’ve overcome the fear. For this reason I can only recall the feelings associated with the fear and not the courage that comes thereafter. The only thing that I can remotely feel with courage is strength, a sense of inner strength that feels solid in your body. I’m curious about how courage feels like as it’s my intention word for this year.
- Gratitude is a feeling that I think I am most aware of because it feels overwhelming, it’s when I’m fully present and feel like I can’t hold the gratitude in my body so often it results in ‘happy’ tears.
- Compassion feels like my heart and chest is open and completely vulnerable and full of love for someone else. I feel like I am connected through an invisible string to another soul and it’s such a powerful sensation and feeling because you feel you’re ability to love really deeply.
- What does good feel like? Well this is a million dollar question for me because I am hoping to become better at feeling my body and the sensations that I experience. I am looking forward to stepping into my whole body and stepping out of my trauma mind that is trapped and limited.
As I write these up I can see that I still have a long way to go until I can clearly identify and experience the feelings in my body through sensations. But this is a good first step because a year ago I would have struggled even with this!
Trauma is a hard thing to heal through, it’s so critical to be kind to yourself as you unpack the layers. Some things will be set free and other things will always remain, but you will definitely get better at accepting and working with what is left in you. It’s also really important that you get the help you need so that you’re able to give yourself the greatest shot of healing.
Let the curiosity flourish.
Let yourself feel.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 