“What if I fall? Oh but dear, what if you fly?“
I have noticed that I’m not able to make choices because growing up I’ve not had the luxury of choice. Being in a position where you can proactively step away from something good because you simply can feels so foreign to me that I seem to associate it with being irresponsible and stupid! But the reality is that it’s a privilege that is not afforded to many! It’s so liberating that it feels terrifying.
When you’re not given the privilege of choice throughout your childhood and somewhat of your adulthood, you don’t know how to step into the moments where life enables you to make a choice not because you have to but because you can. I am feeling overwhelmed and fearful by this notion and it has caused a lot of confusion, self-doubt and anxiety for me. I am at a fork in the road where I can take my life in two totally different trajectories! One a linear path where I can almost make out the signs at each milestone and the other a path that is full of curves and hills and I have an idea that there will be good views along the way but I’m not sure where it will lead.
As I contemplate which path to take I am trying to ask myself some reflective questions that will help me explore my own thoughts and feelings about all this. Some of the questions I need to reflect on are:
What experiences do I want to collect throughout my life?
What do I want to feel and go through?
Am I seeking stability, comfort and linearity?
Or am I seeking adventure, openness, growth, curiosity, connection, surprise, challenge and creativity?
It’s hard to let go of the familiar in search of the uncertain. But everything that is familiar to me now is the fruits of what was once unknown. I am only able to enjoy what I have because at a certain point in time I had to step into my courage and go with the unknown. It’s trusting that these moments of courage lead to greater joy and experiences; that trust doesn’t come naturally to me!
There is also an element of being ok with failure and accepting that not all of our choices are meant to be right. It’s knowing that life isn’t about making sound decisions 100% of the time, rather it’s about making decisions that make sense to you at a single point in time. Those decisions may not always turn out to be fruitful but it doesn’t mean they were wrong or bad. It just means it was what you thought would work at a single point in time.
In order to get comfortable with failure when it comes to decision making, I need to let go of a regretful mindset. This means I need to retrain myself to look at things through the lens of learning and not the lens of backward comparison to what once was or could have been. This requires a lot of practice and a lot of acceptance. I need to understand that my brain paints up a picture of the future that is doom and gloom and very rarely does it have the capacity to see the beauty. But my brain is not a crystal ball and what it imagines rarely if ever happens!
I also recognise that I need to make decisions for me and not for others. I’m worried about what my friends and family will think of me if I step away from what I’ve worked hard to establish. I’m concerned that I won’t be able to achieve the dreams and hopes I have and that I will be seen as an irresponsible person. I am worried that no one else in my situation would let go of the opportunity at hand. Notice how none of the above is about me? It’s about what others would think, feel or do and it’s got nothing to do with what I feel, want and can do!
I need to meditate more on this. There is a lot to unpack here!
Love Always
M
Souloom™ 