Humans go through many complex experiences. I often look at others and wonder if they just have a really easy life or if they are good at masking the roller coaster rides that I feel like I go through on a day to day basis. I can sit here and wonder if there is something wrong with me or I can allow myself to just let myself BE! I have struggled a lot with my mental fitness, so much so that I have been wondering lately if I have an undiagnosed underlying condition that would help me make sense of myself and my experiences. But I also feel like even if I did what difference would it make to the experiences that I’m having? That is something I’m still exploring, in the meantime I am just allowing myself to be still and working on creating space between me and my critical mind.
My inner judge is so strong, that I don’t even realise how much control it has over me. But I am trying remind myself that these beliefs and critical thoughts have been shaped many decades ago. They’re a reflection of others and not of me so there is no truth to them. I need to sift through the beliefs and let go of the ones that were never meant to be mine. This all takes time and it’s definitely not easy to do. It’s hard to step out of yourself (or the version of you that you know) in order to step into the version of yourself that you want to be.
There is a lot of back and forth when you’re rewiring your brain, that’s why I love the saying that healing is not linear. There is no good or bad, right or wrong, there is just moments. I have had a lot of moments recently where I’ve not been in a good state. But I also know that it is due to the many stressors that are in my life. The many changes that are taking place (both good and bad) and my high achieving overly ambitious self that is wanting to chase too many things all at once and at a high standard! I am setting myself up to fail, because then the cycle can repeat and I can find many more excuses and reasons to criticise myself! Of course this is all unconscious patterns that have formed and not an intentional way of Being.
The past few days when I have woken up I have noticed there is a lot of anxiety, sadness and confusion circulating in me. There is a lot of inner criticism that is flaring up and I am definitely not in the head space I want to be in. Some of this is due to lack of sleep, reducing my meditation practice and not doing the things that keep me full. Some of it is because I have been hard wired to be critical of myself and others.
This type of mentality will only result in me losing my moments. I don’t want to wallow in my thoughts. But I do want to allow feelings to arise and fully process. This is something that I need to learn more of and allow my body to lead me into what she wants as opposed to me suppressing things based on my thoughts. When I woke up down and upset, full of self doubt and confusion I wanted to numb myself by either sleeping more or getting dopamine hits from my phone!
Instead, I jumped into a cold shower and shocked my body back into the present moment. It was great! I then proceeded to clean my studio so that I at least have a clean and clear living space. I put on my active gear because it always gives me one less excuse to not exercise and I made myself a nice breakfast, lit some candles and started doing what I love most which is listening to peaceful binaural beats as I write! These are all things that help my body feel nourished and relaxed.
Has the sadness gone away? No
Is the self-doubt gone? No
Am I still experiencing anxiety? Yes.
So then what’s the point? Well, these little rituals and or actions have helped me create space for the sadness, the self-doubt and anxiety so that they can be there without me feeling like I am falling apart. I am still uncomfortable but I at least am in control of myself. That means I have created a safe space between myself and the feelings as I am not identifying with them, I just recognise them and know that they are sharing the space in my head and heart right now.
I am learning how to do this one step at a time. There is so much that I still need to learn about my own mental fitness and embodiment of my feelings. The baby steps that I took this morning was enough to shift the balance between my feelings controlling me to me being present with my feelings instead.
Now that I have been able to create the space, I can see that the self-criticism is creeping up because I am stepping out of my comfort zone. The sadness is there because I can’t reunite with my husband right now as planned and I am also in the process of letting go of the life I’ve built for the past 3 months. The anxiety is there because I nearly got into a horrific accident last week and I have to deal with the paperwork related to it which is making me anxious. Knowing all of this doesn’t stop me from experiencing it, nor does it allow me to process it. All I can do is to allow myself to sit with them knowing that these feelings will go away when they have fully been processed and acknowledged.
The below poem was a really helpful outlet for me, it’s one part of me talking about another. If you ever find yourself at odds with yourself just know that you’re not alone and that there are parts of you that will always be ready to love you and care for you when you’re ready.
Her:
I thought I knew her, I really thought I did.
I thought I could free her and let her live.
I thought I had spotted a dim light.
I thought I had found her, I thought I was right.
She is not who I imagined her to be.
She is more than what she may seem.
She is stuck in a web of lies.
She holds back the tears that are welling up in her eyes.
She wanted nothing more than to be loved.
But instead she believed them when they said she was not enough.
She wore the veils they laid on her head.
These are the veils that blinded her and weighed her down instead.
So she battled her demons the best way she could.
Now she spends everyday healing her battle wounds.
I thought I could help her, I thought I should try.
But I realise now that some stories are not mine to write.
I had to step out, I had to let her see.
That she is the only one that could set herself free.
Some days she gets up, full of love and joy.
Some days she’s so down, she can’t see her own soul.
Sometimes it’s hard seeing her drift away.
Sometimes all she needs is to let her heart go astray.
It breaks my heart to watch her struggle.
I wish I could pull her out of her mental rubble.
I sit and wait, until she comes back to me.
I don’t know how long that will take, I will need to wait and see.
I can’t force her to be here with me.
I can’t force her to just BE.
So I sip my hot tea all the while reminding her that I’m here.
I send her warm wishes and wipe away her tears.
I stay quiet, I don’t interrupt.
I know that in her own time she will look back up.
When her eyes lock with mine, she will remember.
That I am her, she is I and together we can surrender.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 