I am reaching the end of this current chapter, I can feel it. I have become far too attached to this chapter because I can sense that I am not ready for the next chapter. I have invested too much in this the chapter, I am too attached to the grief that I have had to endure that I am unable to allow myself to step into joy! My body doesn’t remember what joy feels like!
There is always fear when we leave our comfort zone, that fear is starting to cripple me and it’s fogging up my mind. I’m unable to think clearly, I’m unable to feel deeply and I am unable to let go. I am becoming doubtful and questioning all the decisions that I’ve made over the past 3 months. There are a lot of changes taking place and even though most of them are positive, they are nevertheless change and my body and mind hasn’t had the time and space to process them fully.
For 3 years, there has been struggle after struggle. I’ve been working towards certain goals to get myself out of all these issues by taking one step at a time and without knowing where it would lead me. At the beginning it all felt impossible. There were so many moments where I was crawling, falling and losing. Looking back I can see how heavy it all was. But I can also see that everything that happened had to happen. It had to be the way it was because without it I couldn’t be the way that I am now. I’m exhausted and yet I am so grateful for the adversities, the hardships and the ability to find pieces of me that I had no idea existed.
Before the past 3 years, I had this idea that life was meant to be beautiful and flawless, like as though happiness meant perfection and that joy only lived in the ‘right’ moments. But what the past few years has taught me is that life is not black and white and that joy lives amongst grief. That beauty is full of flaws and perfection has been misdefined! Fu^k it’s been hard!
3 years on, it’s time for this chapter to end and for me to gain the courage to reap the fruits from the seeds I planted. It’s time to thank the version of me that got me through the lows and take the baton from her knowing that there is another version of me waiting to be discovered. I am terrified of letting it go. Terrified that the next chapter will be heavier, that even though it feels like there is better times ahead I am not able to trust it. This is anxiety trying to keep me safe, trying to hold me in a situation where I am at least familiar with the dangers.
But change is inevitable and I can either go through this change embracing the discomfort or I can go through it resisting it every moment and creating more and more suffering for myself. Ultimately it’s my choice how I experience things. I don’t want to use old patterns that haven’t served me, I want to be more conscious and present with my life and bring wisdom into my Soul Journey.
As I step into this new chapter I need to observe what it is showing to me. What am I afraid to let go of, what stories am I telling myself, who am I afraid of becoming? It’s uncomfortable, the whole thing is just unpleasant. I can sense that my body needs to release this energy and so I need to lean into her wisdom.
Who ever said life was perfect was clearly delusional. Life isn’t perfect, but nevertheless it is still the most precious gift we ever get.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 