What would you do if there was no one else on this planet?
What would you change and how would you be if it was just you?
Without anyone else to please, what would you do for you?
So many of our decisions are informed based on the expectations that others have of us. Who they want us to be, how they want us to be. All of us are working at some scale to belong and to be accepted. In our own inner circles we strive to please our families, partners, employers, friends etc. But what about us? How often do we pause and think I am happy in my skin, I’m happy with my choices, I’m doing X because it brings me joy and I am not going to do Y because it’s not aligned to who I want to be.
I’ve been trying to set boundaries for myself for the past few years, it’s come at a cost of severed relationships and a lot of grief on my end for losing the support and love of those that I thought loved me unconditionally. Many have been disappointed with me, they don’t like the fact that I no longer am the way I was before. Staying firm with your boundaries in the midst of these disappointments is difficult, in particular when you get classed as ‘selfish’ for choosing your own needs over that of others. At first this was uncomfortable and it caused me a lot of depression but the more Self-Full I became, the more I recognised that in order for me to become more ME I will need to let go of the expectations that don’t align with my own sense of joy, comfort and being in the world. If being deemed a ‘good’ person comes at a cost of becoming a shell of yourself then perhaps we need to redefine what ‘good’ is and also review the judging panel!
I know there is a balance to strike here, because I do want to be a caring person and help others. That does bring me joy and satisfaction but I have to be mindful that in the process of giving others the care they need I don’t forget my own needs! I am an expert in taking care of others but when it comes to taking care of myself I’m still in elementary and I struggle a lot with it. I am only just discovering what some of my basic needs are and how to articulate them. It’s a journey and one that will take some experience to master. I need to detach loving others from taking on their problems, becoming responsible for them and trying to control their experiences. If they’re an adult then they have the responsibility to also identify their needs and articulate it back to me. Offering to help and support them is all that I can do, but I can’t make my world about them because no one wins in that situation. In particular where there is a choice for others and it’s not a matter of life and death.
The other day I was thinking how would I be if I was alone in the world and all of the sudden I realised that despite setting boundaries there is still so much I’m doing for the approval, acceptance, validation, recognition and celebration by others. I’m attaching both a lot of my sense of Self and Worth to external factors such as my career and my relationships. I’m making decisions based on what others would deem appropriate or necessary and not what I want to do. I’m hiding away parts of me because I don’t want to be judged or shamed.
I noticed that I have given all my power away to others and in some cases strangers that I don’t even respect or count as my friends. I have forgotten that the only one who can judge is god and that I don’t need to punish myself for the perception and or projection that others place on me! Like my cousin said, we are all a villain in someone else’s story and there is nothing we can do about that as long as our intentions are pure.
So where does this all leave me?
Will I be happy if everyone on this planet loves me?
Will I be happy if I fit into every group and dynamic?
Will I be happy if I am praised day in and day out?
Will I be happy if I win an award that validates that I am the ‘best’ in every way?
Of course not, these are all desires that the perfectionist in me has crafted which are unrealistic, hollow and unfulfilling mainly because the most important part of the equation is missing and that is ME.
If everyone loved me but I still didn’t feel love for myself then I wouldn’t be able to receive any of that love and it would still not be enough! If I fit into every group then I will stand for nothing and that for me is not ok. If I’m praised day in and day out I will become numb to it, developing a sense of self that is egotistical and not Soul driven which is not how I want to experience the world. And if I were to win the ‘best’ award how would I feel? Alone, arrogant and disconnected. If you’re the best at everything then you have nothing to learn and or connect with others on. Our flaws and imperfection is what makes our connections so beautiful! All of these are fallacies that won’t bring with them the joy and fulfilment that I am craving.
So coming back to a world where there is no one else, what would I do differently? I would stop a lot of the things I’m doing, I would chase a life that is connected to nature and that is slow paced and simple. I would laugh more, dance more, move more and feel more. I would be more present, less judgemental and more aligned to myself. I would stop comparing, stop chasing, stop feeling inadequate. I would do coaching and enable others to find themSelves. I would spend time making art and poetry. I would connect with animals and nature and show my love and appreciation to this planet.
Of course I don’t want to be alone and I would love to have my nearest and dearest around to share all of this with. I just recognise that I can’t make clear decisions with them in mind because I am currently being led by their needs and not mine! There is a balance to strike here and I have to figure out what that looks like. A balance that gives me joy and peace whilst also being there for those that I love and care for.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 