It’s easy to miss things when you are distracted. You can lose your compass and find yourself astray and by the time you realise this, you’re likely to be far away from your anchor, your truth, your path. I’ve found myself down a track that is unfamiliar and it feels like it is not aligned to where I need to be. I mean this more internally than externally, perhaps that is the distraction that has confused me with finding a path that is authentic to me. I feel like this year has been full of so many ups, downs, turnarounds, learnings, loss, shock, betrayal, love, growth and realisations.
As far as Soul evolutions go, I feel as though I’ve gone through many transitions in a short period of time and that is what has left me so unstable and confused. I don’t feel anchored, I’m lost, I’m both clear and unclear. It’s both powerful and crippling. Life is such a paradox of feelings!
I suppose it takes time for us to let go of what has been in order to embrace what is to come. It’s particularly hard when you don’t allow yourself the same level of compassion and grace that you would lend to others. I am so eager to get over this discomfort and to get on with life. Rushing through the stages with a need to please. Who am I trying to please?
I realised that my motivations have shifted to pleasing others and being what they need. So concerned with ensuring they’re ok that I’ve not realised that my own needs have shifted. I’ve been distracted and as a result of that distraction I’m untethered and sailing out to the sea with a sense of ‘how the f*^k did I get here’ mentality. But I know exactly how I got here, I got distracted and chose to stay distracted instead of dedicated. I let go of ‘me’ in the process and numbed myself out of the healing path. It’s small choices, like with food, with social media, with tv shows, with things that you wouldn’t even think twice about and before you know it you’re addicted to.
It all got too much and I didn’t ask for help, instead I convinced myself that I can do it on my own and that what had worked in the past will work again. But there is one thing I didn’t factor in, I was different. People around me were different. This chapter wasn’t the same as the ones that I had read before and so I didn’t adapt my tools to meet the needs that came up. I was not present, I was not here to notice. I was in my head and staying there in a dark room where my depression and anxiety ruled over me.
Whilst it’s not ideal I have to remind myself that this was the necessary path that I had to go down as so much learning came out of this. I realised that I had to end up in the middle of the ocean, lost and with no direction, so that I can learn to navigate back to the shore using the stars and my intuition.
When you are so fixed on developing a YOU that is made for others, you forget how to create a YOU that is an expression of yourSelf. I have painted with the colours given to me, the painting has come out beautifully. But I am curious what I could paint if I found the colours myself and took an approach that hasn’t been used before.
I am slightly angry at myself for being lost at sea, I feel betrayed and I’m reminded of this by the thought that I ‘should have known better’. But I only know better now because I’ve learned as a result of experience. If there is one tool I need to start searching for on the quest back to shore, it’s to learn how to be kind and loving towards myself. I need to learn how to love me better. I need to tap into my intuition and the only way I can achieve that is if I start to let go of the thoughts that belittle me in my own head.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 