I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of disappointment this year. Whenever I pause and reflect there is a huge sense of discomfort that comes with this disappointment, then as I do in my judgemental way I punish myself for feeling disappointed and that only results in feeling a great deal of disgust. This cycle then repeats itself and the feelings grow bigger and bigger. Most of this isn’t conscious or intentional, rather it’s reactive and learnt. On the one hand I recognise that this is not who I am and how I want to be and on the other hand I am constantly finding myself acting out the patterns that are automatic and the beliefs that are deeply rooted. It’s also not something that I can force to change because that pours more fuel over the fire by expecting more of myself, which I am unable to achieve, ultimately leading to more disappointment.
But this vicious cycle must stop and there has to be some form of intervention. But who will step in and teach my inner judge to be kinder, my inner thoughts to be wiser and my inner being to not play into the beliefs that don’t serve my heart? No one external to me can tell me anything that would stop me from playing out this pattern. The only chance I have of undoing this pattern and taking away its power, is to strengthen the parts of me that are able to love, heal, extend compassion and practice gratitude. For this I need to apply many of the teachings that I’ve been studying around the Self and I have to start establishing routines that will serve me.
I need to prioritise the healthy decisions over the easy ones, making small choices that will build up into greater changes. Progress over perfection, little by little I need to start taking the steps that foster the self-compassion so that I can shine light on the parts of me that feel unworthy.
I cannot ignore the disappointment or the disgust, these are the templates that I’ve been handed throughout my life by various interactions. These are the templates that I am currently carrying around and applying to myself. But these are not mine and I cannot replace them with the templates that bring me joy when I haven’t yet developed them.
I am going to use the moments of disappointment as a reminder that I have the choice to sink into the suffering that they offer or observe from above what it is that I need at that point and how I can resource myself to get it. I have to learn to fill my cup up with pure and unconditional love, so that when I need it I can pour it back into myself.
I hate this part of the Soul Journey, the part where you can’t ignore the ugly parts of you that have been making you suffer but you’re not yet fully equipped to overcome them because you don’t have the spiritual muscles needed to combat it. This is the messy, icky, uncomfortable part of evolution that is very hard to stay engaged with. It’s the part of the journey where you have to find any way you can to rise above the subtle dialogue in your mind that is trying to maintain status quo.
But in order to replace these dialogues with beautiful ones you need to first learn how to cultivate acceptance, compassion and a pinch of sense of humour. To not take yourself, your thoughts and your life too seriously. To relax into the process and allow yourself to be human. To practice growth knowing that there will be a lot of messiness in the process. If you go to the gym to workout but don’t break into sweat, then you’re not working hard enough. It’s the same with spiritual practice, if you aren’t feeling uncomfortable, gross and a bit cringe then you aren’t really working hard enough at cleansing yourself from the things that are weighing you down.
Doing this work doesn’t mean I will never feel disappointment or disgust again, it just means that I will also have the mirror to reflect back thoughts that counteract it and balance it out. That I will be able to love myself irrespective of the disappointment and disgust. That I will be able to accept that I too am a flawed human and I will make bad choices, say things I don’t mean, get things wrong, disappoint others, unintentionally hurt them, come across as unkind etc. I will need to learn that I cannot expect myself to be perfect, because I am not. I cannot expect myself to always be good, for I am not. The only thing I can do is to promise myself and Maya Angelou to do the best I can with what I know, and when I know better, I will do better.
This year has really highlighted to me that I need to work on the reactions I show to myself first and then to others. You cannot be kind towards those around you if you don’t know how to be kind to yourself. I have noticed that when things go wrong, I blame myself. When others are disappointed I think it’s my fault. That I take on way too much responsibility for other peoples actions and that I give far too many F*cks about what others think and how they feel. As a result of this I don’t give myself any credit, I don’t honour myself with self-love and self-worth and I fall into the unhealthy pattern of beating myself up over things that are not related to me.
Underlying all of this is the fear of being unloved, abandoned and alone. Underlying all of that fear is the lack of connection with my higher Self and with the divine. I know this because whenever I practice connecting with God, I feel more calm and peace in my being. I am not my own judge, I am only my own observer. I need to learn to step into a space of curiosity and forgiveness instead of a space of judgement and punishment. Who I am today is a culmination of all the lessons that I’ve learned with a mind that was not yet fully developed, a body that was dormant and a Soul that had not yet penetrated into the conscious part of my being.
I recognise that I’ve never learned to trust myself and I have also learned to distrust others. This is not a good combination, because who then is left to trust? I’ve been working hard on trying to develop a relationship of trust with God, but in order to arrive there fully I need to first believe that I am unconditionally, infinitely and deeply loved by him. That’s hard to do when you’re looking at yourself with a lens of disappointment!
I am starting to realise that I am not responsible for how others treat me, what they think of me and or what relationship they want with me. I am not responsible for the behaviours of others and or the decisions that they make. I cannot influence them to stay, I cannot make them to love me and I sure can’t control what they think of me. For so long I’ve been walking around thinking that I am responsible for others actions and that no matter what occurs, I should be better, know better and do better. I have learnt that no matter what happens I must find ways to rationalise others behaviours and find ways to adapt, adjust and remould myself against it.
These are all unhealthy, unhelpful ways of being. Life experiences have taught me lessons that hardened me. Life experiences have taught me there is darkness behind the light that others reflect, that there is no good that can come from letting them in. The younger me didn’t have the wisdom to protect herself from all this suffering and so I have over the years picked up reactions, behaviours and beliefs that have created a fort that does not allow any vulnerability in or out.
I don’t want to be stuck behind this wall anymore. I don’t want to live a life with a dimmed heart, a hardened mind and a defensive body. I don’t want to go through life punishing myself, judging others and closing myself off from all things beautiful and light. I don’t want to be what others expect of me, I don’t want to be for others at all. I want to find the eternal acceptance that comes with knowing God and loving myself for being his creation.
In this moment I can see that the road ahead requires a lot of practice, a lot of patience and a lot of work. But I would rather try to rewire my brain and relearn more gracious ways of Being then to carry on reacting in ways which are not reflective of my intentions. The Soul Journey never ends, the evolution is eternal and sometimes we have to really muster up the energy, determination and desire to keep on going.
So here I go, let’s see what this evolution will bring.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 