When you love someone you want to take care of them, sometimes this care can result in stripping them of their power and resources. When we jump into rescuing them from the suffering, what we are really doing is suggesting that they are unable to help themselves. This can be detrimental as it results in unhealthy dependency in relationships. Stripping others of their power disables them, it makes them rely on us for love, worth, care, security, safety and peace.
Human beings we were born to be empowered, to explore life through their own sense making and experience things the way that is uniquely theirs. This means that there will be ups and downs as part of the journey, and that’s just life. But somewhere along the way, we learnt that pain is not a good thing and so we felt the need to avoid or resist it at all costs. We also learned to equate loving someone and taking care of them with, helping them not feel the pain at all cost.
I’m not suggesting that we don’t lean in and help those we love, but helping someone is different to taking on their problem for them. I know I struggled with this. When I reflect deeply I recognise that I’ve never learnt to help others, I’ve learnt to control the situation and make sure everything is comfortable.
We have a saying in my language that literally translates into ‘aunty bears love’ meaning unhelpful support that masks itself under the disguise of ‘love’. Solving other peoples problems doesn’t help them, period. This can be confronting at first, I know I was resisting this for a long time as I had attached so much of my identity to being the ‘rescuer’; the one who was needed, the one who fixed things, protected others and controlled things back to normal. So the only way I can explain this is through sharing scenarios, that will paint the contrast between healthy care and auntie bear care!
Here goes:
Context: your friend has broken up with their partner, they’re sad and they’re unable to come to terms with the situation.
Aunty bear care: it’s been a week, you need to get over him, let’s go out so you can have some fun and maybe meet someone.
Healthy care: Your feelings are valid, it’s hard going through a breakup. What do you need right now that I can support with?
Both scenarios involve helping them, but Aunty bear is taking control of the situation and telling them what to do, vs healthy care is about validating them and asking them what they need.
Another example:
Context: your brother is unemployed and struggling to get a job so he’s demotivated and not really trying anymore.
Aunty bear care: you need to get a job, come on check out these jobs I found that you will like, send me your CV and I can apply on your behalf to get the ball rolling.
Healthy care: hey how are you finding the job search? It can be tough out there, so I want you to know I’m here for you if you need any help. Do you want to come by and we can chat about what’s on your mind and have some nice dinner together?
Are you starting to notice the difference? It took me years to unlearn the Aunty Bear care is not actually helping others! To some this may be obvious, and if it is I salute you. But to others it may not be, so I encourage you to reflect and see if this brings out any insights for you that may help you on your journey.
Another problem with over-caring is sharing unsolicited and unwelcome advice! Most of us know what we need to do in our lives, but find it hard to manage our emotions and feelings in a safe and healthy way which then means we can’t access the clear thinking that’s required to make the decision. People love giving unsolicited advice, thinking that they’re helping you. So here is an example on this front:
Context: Your daught is trying to sell her car but is not having any luck with any bidders.
Unhealthy care: I told you the market is bad right now, you shouldn’t try to sell it for such a high price, I’ve got experience with these kind of things. What you need to do is…..
Healthy care: Oh gosh, seems like the market is tough right now. What do you want to do? Is there anything I can help with?
The first is blaming, shaming and pointing out the obvious. Bringing it to the attention of someone that what they’re doing isn’t working isn’t going to help build confidence. The second, is acknowledging their circumstance and offering them help if they want it.
Or with grief, this is a hard one to manage because socially most of us really struggle with what to say. I always felt like I have to say something profound and important, to make the grieving just a little less painful. As IF! There is nothing anyone can say when you’re grieving that will help. At least not when it’s raw or when the timing is off. So here is an example around healthy vs unhealthy care:
Context: a friend has lost a parent in a tragic accident.
Unhealthy: I’m so sorry for your loss, it must be unimaginable. The accident is horrific and the other driver should really be put away. You know, grief is something that will take time and you will get through this eventually. Just give yourself the space to feel the feelings and do what’s right for you.
Healthy: I’m so sorry for your loss, I wish there was something I could say to help. I’m not sure what would be helpful right now, but I just want you to know I’m here for you, so you just let me know what you need and I will do that. I’m going to reach out to you regularly if that’s ok, just to check-in but if you want space let me know.
Finally, the scenario where people show courage and take a step towards the unknown in a difficult circumstance; for some reason our social response to these scenarios is ‘I’m sorry that you had to go through that’. We think we’re empathising, but actually it can be victimising. Consider this:
Context: a woman leaves her emotionally abusive partner whom she’s been with for 4 years.
Unhealthy care: I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that, it’s shit. He was an asshole and it’s about time you move on. I don’t know why you stayed so long, he was awful!
Healthy care: I am so proud of you for stepping into your courage and stepping away from an unhealthy relationship. You are so strong and I’m so delighted that you’re taking control of your life and your well being. Is there anything I can do to help you?
These are all just some examples and by no means are they ‘perfect’ examples. I’m still trying to figure out how to care in a healthy way and let me tell you, it’s not automatic. I have to actively go against everything I’ve learned about caring for others, in order to step into a space that will enable them instead of disable them. It’s hard to notice this, particularly when it’s your dearest ones who are going through the hardship.
Finally, I want to share that if you pay attention the unhealthy care shows up with how we treat ourselves too. Take this example:
Context: you’re struggling to get an exercise routine in place and you need to lose weight.
Unhealthy inner care: If you stop eating so much you wouldn’t be in this situation, so cut down on the snacking and also stop making excuses and go to the gym, you need to lost the weight to feel better. If you don’t stick to your routine, you’re not going to meet your goals.
Healthy inner care: ok, clearly something is impacting my motivation. Maybe I’m trying to do too much too soon and finding it all overwhelming. What do I really need to do, to feel like I’m making progress? I need to be patient with myself and recognise that I’m trying to make a major lifestyle change and that’s going to be hard.
Notice how one is critical and the other is more solution orientated and curious?
I have so much more to learn on this front, and I’m going to make a lot of mistakes along the way. Aunty bear care isn’t going to disappear from my psyche, she’s nested there. But I get to choose how often she steps out and makes herself known!
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 