I have so much anxiety at the thought of being rejected; this has become a thing for me since a couple of hurtful experiences the past couple of years. The anxiety of rejection has become so prominent in my life that I can sense it with new people I meet who I like and I want to connect with. But then I put the walls up, keep a distance and judge myself because I don’t want to feel not enough. At least this is the ‘tape’ that my mind plays. At a deeper level I recognise that rejection isn’t a reflection of me, it’s not going to take away from me and it’s not going to determine my worth.
At a spiritual level I recognise that these wounds have surfaced because they need my love and attention. They need me to heal them, through observation, rewiring of my beliefs and thoughts and through deep radical compassion. When you grow up being bullied and moving around, constantly having relationships break apart, it’s natural to feel a sense of anxiety at the thought of being rejected. But what is not normal, is losing your ability to see yourself and your self-worth in light of such circumstance.
The reality is that not everyone is made to love us, not everyone is made to stay in our lives, not everyone will reciprocate our feelings towards them and or meet our needs. The reality is that our desire to connect with others and belong in a community is a mask for managing the deep need for connecting with ourselves and choosing to belong in our own skin as we are and how we are. Instead of ejecting ourselves out and shape shifting from one person to another to be loved and accepted, we need to pause and take all the layers of the onion off until we reach our own truth. My god, under all the shit and all the dirty, heavy and ugly layers we all carry we are so beautiful. Full of wonder, light and warmth and yet we forget who we are and how we are. So the guards come up and we each manifest our armour in different ways.
Some of us are pragmatic so they go on about life building shallow relationships, others are so afraid of the pain that they build big strong walls that hides their vulnerabilities, some of us avoid pain by taking control of the situations and not allowing anyone to have the power over us; others can become so desperate that they lose themselves fully in order to be loved. The extremes we go to, in order to prevent the pain is extraordinary because we manage to somehow function in society and yet most of us dysfunctional in our own unique way.
What are we doing? Play pretend. Walking around licking our wounds and seeking others who will also do the same. Is this the only option? No. So then what? Healing. What does that mean? It means choosing that you’ve had enough with all the masks and the layers and deciding that you are going to seek the truth of your being. It means facing your fears and realising that they were nothing but imaginary monsters you created. It means letting go of many relationships that meant the world to you because you realised that there was no love in it, no honesty and no effort. It means setting up boundaries that are healthy and secure, as opposed to walls that prevent anything from coming in. It’s about understanding what you need and the realisation that you have ability to meet those needs; but also crucially you are the only one responsible for meeting them.
It’s about recognising that we are not here to judge ourselves or others, rather we are here to be open, compassionate and loving. It’s about recognising that our bodies feel the pain that our minds craft. The stories we’ve told ourselves about our condition of being human. We are not taught that we are the narrators of our own experiences, so we go through life blaming everything around us and surrendering the power that we inherently have.
Even when people are trying to lead healthier lives, they confuse it with all the things they are doing. Yes, rituals, habits, practices, hobbies and the things we spend our time doing do influence our overall well-being and experiences. However, nailing the perfect routine, or doing everything ‘right’ will not allow you to heal deeply if all you’re doing is positively masking your pain. Putting glitter on shit doesn’t stop the shit from stinking. Healing means seeing the shit, finding the appropriate shovel and bin and scraping it off; so that you can see underneath it there were diamonds. Who needs glitter when you can find diamonds?
Embrace the pain, the messy, the falls the disappointment. It’s ALL part of the beauty, it’s all part of the experience of growth. Just like babies who cry when they’re teething, we will need to cry when we outgrow the wounds that have been stitched on us when we were younger and not wiser. Be kind to yourself, if there is anything you need to practice it’s that.
Love yourself unconditionally so that you can love others the same. Only then, will you understand a ‘pain free’ life. A life where you are shielded from the stories that rob you of joy; whenever the shit comes your way, you cry and then you scoop it up in search of the diamond.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 