What are the things that I’m currently devoted to?
- My phone and social media
- Anxiety
- Exhaustion
- Low-self esteem
- Distractions
- The past
- Feeling stuck
- Disappointment
- External opinions
- Validation
- Confirmation
- Seeking encouragement
- Comparison
- Loneliness
- Support
- Complaining
- Inaction
- Self-criticism
- Judgement
- Expectations
- Uncertainty
- Doubt
- Confusion
These are some of the things that are occupying my mind and time. It’s fascinating to observe that most of my experiences are being shaped, coloured or impacted by some form of narrative linked to the above list. None of which I actively choose or want present and yet all of which are crippling me.
I think that my inability to shift the dial in how I feel is partly due to the burn out that I’m feeling; some of it is through lack of sleep but most of it is through lack of alignment with the lifestyle that fills my cup. I’m finding it difficult to ground myself as much as I need in the lifestyle that I currently have, lack of connection, lack of support, lack of exploration and novelty. I am also struggling with adapting to a new environment that once was my dream home and now is a foreign space that I am trying to rediscover.
Cohabitation is also a challenge, figuring out how to bring two people together in a way where neither loses their identity but both are contributing to the establishment of a union. This is why marriage is a life-uni, the place where you are stretched, pulled, torn, reshaped and reconfigured to a version of you that does not yet exist. So many questions to still answer, so many things to still iron out in my own head about what my attitude, beliefs and responsibilities are.
There is too much space, energy and time being given to the above list of things that there is no wonder I am so exhausted, drained, stuck and lost. I am not sure who I am and how I am. I feel like I’ve lost control of being me and I don’t know how to get that back. Two words: burnt out.
What would I want to be devoted to instead?
- Beauty
- Gratitude
- Love
- Compassion
- Projects
- Adventure
- Connection
- Laughter
- Creativity
- Fun
- Play
- Dance
- Colour
- Reading
- Writing
- Nature
- Dreaming
- Prayer
- Self-love / care
- Nourishment
- Celebration
- Recognition
These are the things that I want to be focused on, these are the things I want to spend my energy on. That’s the tone and colour in which I want my life to take; but for that I first need to recalibrate my inner energy. I need to rest in more ways than one, I need to be patient as I come out of the cocoon I’m in and develop into the version of me that can take us there.
Accepting that this is the way things are right now is the only way that I can stop the tension from growing. Observing that I am in a space that I can’t force myself out of and that I have to ride the tide is the only way that my body can cope. Learning how to nourish myself in my current circumstance is the only way that I can honour myself and my life.
Bit by bit, everyday I need to heal myself out of burn out and start getting to a space where I am able to foster the things that matter to me. My intention word for this year has been purposeful and one of the things that I need to redefine that word for myself is that being purposeful isn’t the same as being forceful. Choosing things that you’re not currently capable of delivering is setting yourself up to fail.
Relax.
Release.
Breath.
Through that space I can and will be able to regain my energy and step back into the space of being me.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 