I’m lost.
I am drifting between versions of me that were and a version of me that I have been healing towards. A few weeks ago I had a realisation that surprised me, I realised that I don’t like the person that I have become. I don’t mean that in a critical way, rather more from the perspective of it’s not how I want to be in the world because it’s not who I am. I got curious as to where this realisation came from, because I thought I was being very deliberate about finding myself and becoming me again; but I realise now that the past few years I have been focused on surviving and not thriving.
When you’re so focused on surviving, you are going to find ways to cope and these strategies can often make you more guarded or closed up to who you once were. After all, who you once were was finding it difficult to navigate the adversity you were dealt with, so it’s only natural to steer away from it. At least whilst you are still faced with the adversity. But we tend to take on these shifts as permanent marks to our way of being. Almost like a tattoo, reminding us of what we’ve overcome.
I was reflecting on how I have lost sight of my empathy, thoughtfulness, caring nature and self confidence. I’ve become passive, disconnected, distracted and disappointed. I’ve gone inwards and focused solely on my needs, uninterested in the world around me or impatient with those I love. Expecting them to meet my needs, because I’m too exhausted and depleted from meeting theirs. But there needs to be a balance between caring for yourself and caring for others.
It feels like a grieving process, letting go of the parts of you that have kept you safe for so long, but who are destroying you now. But there is also a lot of excitement in knowing that you are able to redefine yourself. This is new territory, because I need to reacquaint myself with a new version of me that I’ve not yet met but who shares characteristics with parts of me that were and will always be my authentic self.
Who I was in the past will give me clues as to what is true to me, but I am not interested in replicating younger versions of me; because they are no longer needed. They’re simply the sign-posts that I have to reflect on and draw out the qualities that made them uniquely me. By remembering who I was underneath all the narratives, behaviours and thoughts I can glue back the pieces of me that have gotten lost under the pile of trauma. I want to understand my nature, reconnect with my body and let go of any limiting and damaging thoughts.
I want to remember who I am underneath all the exhaustion and beliefs; physically, mentally and spiritually. Here are some questions I will be reflecting on that may be of help to you too:
- How do I want to be in the world?
- What traits and characteristics do I want to be known for?
- What qualities do I want to foster more of?
- What behaviours do I want to shift? What behaviours will I replace them with?
- How do I want to feel in my day to day life?
- What boundaries do I need to set for myself?
- What way of being feels authentic to me?
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 