I’ve learned that I need to be guarded. I used to love deeply and it was great. But overtime I’ve become closed off, I’ve stopped trusting people and I doubt the connections that I make. I’ve unplugged myself from the network of love because I learned that when you’re plugged in you can blow a fuse.
I’ve become so closed now that I don’t even know how to open back up. I’ve become bitter about it all. About the scars, the trauma, the pain and the weight that I’ve carried. I’ve allowed disappointment to make a home in my heart and my mind has built gates and chains made of stories like ‘they will all leave’, ‘I’m not loveable’, ‘they can’t be trusted’ etc. I’ve become stuck in the mud and resisting to relax because I’m afraid if I do I will be stuck here forever.
I don’t recognise myself anymore, deep down I know better and I know that I can find my way through this egotistical chain; but for now, I have to accept that this is where I am. This is how things have ended up, despite all the intentions to heal and evolve, I’ve somehow ended up at a dead end. This isn’t to take away from all the growth that I have achieved but the thing about life is that unlike most ‘problems’ that you’re solving for, it’s not as black and white.
Normally I would get disappointed with myself, but I’ve come to realise that disappointment is only showing me that I’m worth more, that I’m capable of more and that I can do / be / have more. Disappointment doesn’t seem to knock on my door anymore, because I’ve acknowledged my worth. But that doesn’t take away from feeling stuck. From getting lost along the way and realising that this is not reflective of the person I want to be.
I’ve been through these kind of learning curves enough to know that I have to trust the process; there is nothing else that I can do. I have to wait for things to resolve organically and in their own time. No matter how uncomfortable and unfamiliar it feels right now, I trust that eventually all of this will help me unblock so that I can let the light back in. So that I can feel my feet back on the ground and feel the love flowing through me.
I don’t want to be closed, I choose to be open because the more closed you are, the more you miss out on the beautiful things life has to offer. The less you want for yourself, the less you allow for yourself and the less you become. I don’t want to reduce myself to nothing.
So here I am, 34 years old and closed off from the love that I am receiving and too afraid to love as deeply as I can. Confused about what it means to be in love and uncertain about how to find my way back to it. I know that it requires a reconnection with the spiritual parts of me that are familiar with true love and can help guide me back to truth. I’ve become too lost in the maze of my own mind that I’m unable to set myself free. I trust that I will find my path but for now I will just have to feel the feels and release what I can.
Life is not always going to be pleasant, in fact there are more reasons to be uncomfortable than not. But it’s our choice what and how we navigate these, give yourself grace. You don’t have to have it all figured out, you just need to know that eventually you will get there.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 