I don’t know how to love, I understand the theory, but I don’t have the skills to practice it. Partially because I have a lot of unresolved trauma that is hindering my ability to be vulnerable, and partially because I have never seen it role modelled accurately. I recognise now that being married is a life long course of teaching us how to love. Some of us will become aware of this and ace the tests and some of us will struggle with the pain, disappointments and struggles and quit.
I don’t know what camp I fall in yet; because I am acutely aware that having an anxious-avoidant attachment style means I have a lot of barriers to feeling secure in my relationships. I have become so stuck in my own fears that I have taken on an identity that doesn’t feel authentic to me. But where to shed? Where to let go? I don’t even know how to press rewind or undo. The traumas over the past few years have used up my resources to the max, hence the burn out.
You can’t evolve if you are depleted, just like trees can’t rise if the soil is lacking nutrients and the sun is hiding behind the clouds. So, what does that mean for me? It means rest. Acceptance. Self-compassion. Being. Trust. Faith. Release.
Sometimes we need to become still, we need to be kind towards our inabilities and accept that we are doing the best that we can. Sometimes we need to understand that being stuck is neccessary to allow us to refuel. I can’t unpack all my trauma now to allow love to come in and flow out. But what I can do is be aware of my energy levels being depleted and observe myself and the limiting beliefs that don’t serve me.
I can breath and release; that’s all I need to do right now. I can accept that my thoughts are not going to be helpful towards my bigger purpose and goal as I am too tired to be clear. I can be patient with myself as I navigate the exhaustion and appreciate that growth requires resources that I am rebuilding.
Perhaps all of this is part of lifes elegant way of teaching me what love is. Less doing and thinking and more being and feeling.
Life is magical like that.
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 