I do not love myself. I have tried to “think” my way out of this belief, because intellectually I don’t endorse it. But we’re complex beings and sometimes “thinking” is the problem!
I believe it’s important to hold a non-judgemental space for others; a space where they can be themselves and feel held and seen. But how often do I do this for myself? Hardly ever! When it comes to myself I am critical of everything, I judge myself constantly and I seldom, if ever, do I give myself compassion and praise.
I admire people who love themselves, they have come to accept their flaws and ugly parts, and see beyond it. This is a lesson most of us need to learn. To walk through life with our heads held high and our hearts wide open. But it feels too hard, the fear of rejection, abandonment or not being believed is too strong. So, making ourselves small is easier. Fading away into the dark corners of our minds, so that we don’t have to face any feeling that dares to make us feel too deeply.
That is no way to live, and yet, how many of us are living this way? I want to learn to love me; whole heartedly. Being burnt out has helped me realise how much energy I spend on worrying about being accepted, liked or deemed enough. How I walk through my life worrying about what others think about me. Will I be cool enough, smart enough, fun enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, exciting enough, funny enough; will I be enough?
The answer is probably yes, maybe and no all at the same time. The question is not will I be all these to everyone I meet, the questions are: Will they appreciate my humour, ideas, thoughts, way of being and contributions? Are these the people who light me up? Will they be the ones I want to surround myself with? Do they add value to my life? Are these the people that I can be me with?
We are so concerned about interviewing for a position in everyone elses life, that we forget, we are the ones interviewing them! Even with our nearest and dearest, we worry that if we change or set boundaries or do something differently we will be rejected. But our nearest and dearest are also flawed humans, navigating their own traumas and insecurities at the end of the day! So, why are we dependent on them to feel good about ourselves?
The more we let go of wanting others to accept us, the more accepting of ourselves and others we become. It’s a hard battle and one that will take a lot of practice for me personally. But I am too tired to care and I don’t want to lease my life out to others anymore. This is my home, my life and I want to be in love with every part of me. Even the ugly parts that others don’t like!
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 