Distrust…

For years I’ve been trying to work on my trust issues, I naturally tend to trust everyone and have been naive in this process. I often make the assumption that if someone is capable of good that they’re also consistent with their behaviours. But most people can be both good and bad, since for many it’s contextual, in that circumstance define their behaviours. The alternative of course are individuals who have strong characters and are aware of who they are and what matters to them; so regardless of the circumstance, they stay true and consistent with their values.

I struggle with individuals who are inconsistent, it makes them unpredictable and disloyal. They can often cause damage to those around them, as they’re driven by their own self-interest at any point. This doesn’t make them bad people, often you will find that you serve a purpose for them so they tend to display parts of themselves that are rather enjoyable to be around. I guess the damage occurs when you realise that you’re disposable to them and or that you had trusted them and they weren’t really worthy of that trust.

Recently an incident like this came up for me at work, whereby I thought there was someone I could trust. But then, when the opportunity came up to show his worth and value to others and confirm his place in the world, he didn’t hesitate to use me to get the ideas he needed and then sell it off as his own. I put it down to his insecurities, yet what bugs me is that he thinks he can manipulate me into feeling insecure and or doubtful. The way he has spoken to me about my value add is nothing short of manipulation masked under harmless ‘jokes’, but I can see his own insecurities, people often give you insight into who they are by how they treat you.

For years, I’ve allowed others to define my self-worth, whether it be professionally or personally and I’ve had enough. No one has the right to make you feel like you’re not good enough. No one has the right to tell you that you’re not capable and that you will not achieve your dreams and aspirations. When you find yourself surrounded by individuals who make a personal attack on you, never ever forget that they’re so insecure in themselves that they will do anything to lift themselves up, including trampling on others. Well intentioned humans will never criticise you, they will help and support you to find your way. If there is a gap that you need to fill through some form of development, there is a difference between how a bully will inform you how a cheer leader will raise you. Recognise the people who are around you and don’t underestimate your own judgement of who you are and what you’re capable of; that’s where most of the power lies.

Because of the rough week I’m having physically, it’s a bit hard to battle the thoughts that are not self-serving. This encounter upset me, instead of blaming him I’m blaming myself for being naive and placing my trust in him. This is where I need to practice self-forgiveness, we can only ever make decisions based on what we have in front of us. When you feel ‘fooled’ you are essentially feeling ashamed because you think you ‘should’ have somehow known that someone was disingenuous. But the reality is that most of us assume that others are trust worthy and reliable until proven otherwise. So, when proven otherwise it’s important that we don’t put ourselves down for not seeing through the manipulation and also that we don’t become bitter and guarded. This too shall pass, but until it does I will sit with the discomfort of my own disappointment and try to calm my thoughts down by reminding myself that this is not a reflection of me but him.

Here is a poem I wrote to help, I know I’m not alone in this type of experience and I know how it can hurt when we are faced with ‘betrayal’. To anyone who may be going through the same thing, remember that at the end of the day the most important thing is that you trust YOURSELF and that you never punish yourself for judgements that you made based on information that you had at any point in time.

Crown:

Who do you think you are?

Questioning my worth and my scars?

Telling me that I’m not enough,

Putting me down so you can lift yourself up.

Who do you think you are?

You shared some laughs and made me trust,

I wish I saw through your bluff,

Naive of me to trust,

Now I can see past all the veils you’ve got,

You can try to put me down,

Tell me that I’m the one with the broken crown,

You can try to turn things on me,

But I won’t stoop as deep,

You’re not going to get inside my head,

You don’t deserve a moment of regret,

I will not put up with your passive words,

I don’t need someone else to define my worth,

Sooner or later everyone will see,

The true colours behind you and me,

Yours will be dark and resembling a fool,

Mine will be bright, full of precious jewels,

Take your little wins and enjoy them for they won’t last,

I’m moving onto the future and you’ll be stuck in the past!

Love,

M