Being curious about our existence, life and the meaning behind it all has led me to some interesting insights and learnings about myself. I have noticed the desire to unveil the layers of my ‘forgetting’ so that I can start to remember the purpose and meaning behind why I am here, who I am and what this all is trying to show me. I am a seeker, one that likes to live in wonder and go beyond what is apparent.
But like all others, I also have conflicts with my ego, which is bound by the frameworks, teachings and structures that it has been shaped and requires in order to survive. My ego and my seeking self go into battles that are often dominated by the ego as they are dominated by thoughts. These thoughts, are narratives that pull and push me towards certain decisions and ways of being that is aligned to what the ego desires.
So, I find myself grappling between the desire to let go and the inability to do so. Letting go of all the beliefs that have given me a sense of security and comfort is a very difficult task particularly when you’re still at a stage of life where you’re acquiring wisdom and evolving into the next version of yourself that is able to navigate this conflict with much more ease and confidence.
As a result of these battles, my body bears the consequence of the conflict, harbouring the discomfort and the stress that manifests from the constant battle of the ego and the soul. My ego manifests the fears and the anxieties that it requires to manipulate my body into surrendering to its narratives, ultimately silencing the seeker in me. But I have come to learn and appreciate that my body is also the most powerful tool for connecting with my soul and tapping into the seeker that is abundantly peaceful and content.
My body is exhausted by the thoughts, anxieties and the tension that it grapples with daily and perhaps the ultimate goal of the ego is to exhaust the body so much that the gateway to my soul can be blocked and therefore, the seeker in me can be drowned out. But surrendering to the ego doesn’t bring joy and contentment, rather it will only bring more suffering and pain.
I know that is not what I want. I am seeking freedom and liberation and I understand that the path to obtaining this will be full of challenges and obstacles. I need to let go of the constant thoughts, understanding that they will never stop but that I can detach from them. For this, tools and insights are needed as well as exposure to nature. I am discovering what tools enable me and what environments create more of the energy that enhances my consciousness instead of my ego.
I would like to grow wiser not just older, this is the path that the seeker goes down. This is best explained by the below poem which is translated by William Martin from the Tao Te Ching text – titled Older or Wiser?:
Growing older either reveals or hides
the mystery of existence.
If you are becoming a sage
you will grow in trust and contentment.
You will discover the light
of life’s deepest truths.
If you are merely growing older,
you will become trapped by fears and frustrations.
You will see only the darkness
of infirmity and death.
The great task of the sage
is learning to see in the darkness
and not be afraid.
It is a journey and one must have patience and acceptance in their tool box if they want to endure all the challenges and obstacles that will be presented on this journey. I’m working on developing these tools for myself as I go through the discomfort that comes with the process. Oh I wish it could be easier!
Love Always,
M
Souloom™ 